Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the morning after

a couple days have passed since i wrote my last blog and i can truly say it helped me. i hold so much in that when it comes out, its intense..i think talking about ur feelings leaves u vulnerable. i dont wanna be that way. i've read that blog maybe twice and every time i tear up...i cant do it. im thankful for the encouragement i received about it though. it helps...this is going to be an on going process for me. i just pray i can get through it.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

my heart

i dont think ill ever be transparent as im about to be, but i have to get this out b/c my mental state is at risk...my grandmother meant the absolute world to me literally. she had gone to the hospital the day b4 because she wasnt getting a reading on her line for dialysis so they decided to keep her.my aunt said she was being her normal nosy self but things changed the night into the mornning.ill never forget the day 12/11/08 at about 3 or 4am. i wake up out of my sleep to see a missed called from my mom...grandma had a mild heart attack...my mom said not to worry, she knew i was coming though. she said stefany dont drive fast...i always came...if grandma was in the hospital for a day and i had not been up there yet, she'd ask where is stefany cause she knew i'd be coming. as she always said im her right hand man i loved being her favorite and my cousins knew i was...i dont know what it was...but for as long as i can remember i was always with my grandmother. older women in the church were always saying are u the baby that was in the basket. i'd say yes. Grandma carried me in a basket when i was a baby and apparently everyone thought that was so cute. ........but she was my #1 so i get to the hospital and she is breathing on her own but the doctors want to put her on a breathing machine..me i just want her to be better...see grandma had episodes b4..she'd always have me looking for alternatives to dialysis...she hated it..but i always told her if u wanna be here u have to go...cause i want u here...she'd say stefany when the Lord takes me i'll be ok...clearly i didnt want to hear that...or the time when she cut the dailysis tube to her neck and started bleeding...she said she was itching and thought she could cut it...i think she was tired then..but i didnt want to believe it..everytime she went to the hospital it was hard for me cause i knew she was sick but i dreaded the day my beloved grandmother would leave me...so later that morning she goes in for the procedure to insert the breathing tube and we play the waiting game...she's hooked up to dialysis to try to get the fluid off of her. so we wait.. and lord knows i dont wanna leave...i hold her hand, rub her forehead, talk to her to let her know im here..i tell her to open her eyes thats all i wanted was to see her and she see me... we wait all day long...i cry my heart out cause my favorite person is lying on this bed and i can do nothing..she was a fighter..friday comes no change..im emotionally drained but the doctor said he was seeing signs they wanted to try an alternative procedure to see if it worked on saturday..they said if this didnt work basically they'd be keeping her alive for us. so one by one my family came in to say there goodbyes cause they knew..my grandfather came in to tell my grandmother that he had been to the doctor like she told him. the same day he went to the doctor would be the same day she went to the hospital. to see my grandfather's face is something i never want to see again..here he's looking at this person who he's know since age 15. 60 yrs of being together..heartbreaking...ur never ready to hear that...so sunday comes and the doctors meet w/ my family. they say we've done all we could do... my mother says grandma wouldnt want to be hooked up to a machine..im instantly crying...then my uncle ditto'd what my mom said..then my grandfather said remove the breathing tube....i go back to my grandmother's side as i see the lady remove the tube for my grandmother..i sit with her holding her hand..feeling the warmth of her hand..i'll never forget the feeling..just wanting her to open her eyes..thats all i wanted..she didnt..her breathes were long and hard...heard someone say thats how u know someone is dying...i continue to sit. torture myself b/c i dont want to move...im looking at my grandmother and i hear a sound..i look up and my uncle's wife says she's gone...then i see the nurse come in and turn the machine off...just like that my world ended..just like that..death the one thing i hate, am afraid of happened in front of my eyes to my favorite person in the world...i was lost..i cried and cried..i dont ever want to feel that again...how and why didnt i self-destruct i dont know..but it hurt..hurt bad..came back to my aunts house and cried my eyes out..everyone said she wouldnt want me mourning over her like that...that she loved me and they knew that by how we interacted.it was nice that someone knew that but i didnt want to hear that...she was everything to me..i loved our time together...she'd do anything for me..give me her last 5, cook anything i asked her to, call only me to take her to the store...that was gone....half my heart was gone...so the week went past i cried every night just wanting to see her face, hear her voice one more time...i decide to go view her body b4 the funeral just to get that out my system. it helped a little but by time the funeral came i was no good. i didnt care to see her in a casket...i miss her...over the past few months i've had vivid thoughts of her...like i want to be with her literally...thats how bad i want to be w/ my grandmother again. these are strong feelings...going to my grandfather's house does something to me...we will talk sometimes about we both miss her..i asked him did she know i loved er so much..he said yes emphatically..he said stefany she loved when u would take her to the store and not be impatient with her. b4 i came i'd always tell her to be ready, and everytime i came she wasnt. but i wouldnt rush her...i knew she didnt move as fast but i also knew she loved going to the store...i'd get the motorized scooter for her to shop for herself and she'd have a ball..he said she always talked about that and how much she appreciated it..she'd call me to and tell me that...i'd always say i didnt mind..i loved doing it..even though they only always called me.i'd give anything to have that back....some days are good some a really bad..i have bad thoughts..its just that i dont wanna be here if she isnt..writing this helps but it doesnt solve the problem of this hole in my heart that im not sure will ever heal. i think im going crazy sometimes to have thoughts like this b/c i know she wouldnt want this but i'd never have someone so close to me die b4..i luved her more than my own mother..and deaths scares the hell out of me..i hate it..i dont think i can go thru again i may just snap...i just miss her so much and everyone mourns different..obviously im not good w/ it..it pains me to see people w/ their grandmother..cause i wish mine was still here...i think my love for the elderly came from my grandmother...i thank her for that...but it hurts none the less...we live to die...thats a hell of a concept which i havent seemed to grasp...i just wish she was here..i really really miss her

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

dog

ok so my prayers were answered..glad he's back...anyhow met my folks down the park...wanted to personally ask me to support her journey to Africa but coming to her party this weekend and to say she was exercising...she was like i sent that email..i was like oh yeah i deleted that...lol..she knew i did...anyhow..we walk around the park to end up at the car watching this guy talk to his dog like a human...its a puppy, bull mastiff, i believe he said...but he's talking to this dog like its a toddler..told the dog if u move im a beat ur ass, huh?, dog dont know what that mean...then he proceeded to cradle the dog like a baby and wipe the paws, mind u steady talking to the dog like it a human..he wraps the dog's feet in a towel and now im like sick to my stomach..im ready to call SPCA on his ass...u dont have compassion for dogs until u are a dog owner...he was really frustrating me..so he wraps the dog up an places her in the car steady telling her he would beat her ass..when he finishes he turns to us and say do we want a dog?...huh...we proceeded to ask him why they hell was he treating the dog bad..he said she stubborn and spoiled..i said u did that..he said i know and now i have to break her out of it...dumb we left..

Monday, March 23, 2009

Me

im as complex a person as they come...today did something i usually dont do and told a person how i was feeling about them..may seem easy to u, very difficult for me. im not a talker...hate confrontation, it angers me...but i did and now i feel different, dont know whether good or bad...but im glad i said what i said...i internalize so much that when im ready to speak on it..so much time has passed..its because it takes alot to get me mad/frustrated..me talking about my feelings has drained me today.folk tell me to journal i dont like journals cause they are deadly..yeah its about writing down your personal thoughts, but this is about as personal as i will get. no one gets all of me....i have absolutely nothing funny to say and i hate feeling like that...i like making folk laugh. its what brings joy to me....i gave up facebook for the rest of the week..just dont feel like being on it..i wanna devote more time to my blog...this sappy shit is blowing me too..my mind locks down every once in a while to allow serious tones to intervene, i guess this is one of those days...the only good thing about today so far is someone told me they will show me about studio engineering..im excited about it...thats what i want to do full time..be around music..all day everyday...my coworker needs to bring his ass back to work too...im tired of doing his damn work...lol shout out DC

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I know I know

Havent been here in a while...i give so much on facebook by time i wanna write something, i done said it already. i'll think of something as i write..let me start off with facebook..its a crazy thing...coworker asked me today am i on fb, i was like yeah, she said will u accept me, with a straight face i said no, she was like why, i tell her i dont mix...she pointed to my absent co-worker's desk and asked is he on there and am i his friend. i said yeah..i said but thats my friend..she was like u aint right, i said at least im honest..she said she respected me for that. i guess..and she walked away i dont like my work peers too much to allow just anybody in my space...my supervisor said today she was tired, i was like take a day, like tomorrow.just make sure u leave what i need from u, told her i didnt need her...she thinks i be kidding, mo fo like me be dead serious..let me throw out some material i've been working on. premise is background singers for gospel artists. ever notice them and how they give so much dramatization in the background i can show u better that i can write, so when u see me next time, tell me to demonstrate. next i'll talk about how i hate hearing people blow their nose..i think that is the most disgusting thing ever, i get the shakes for real..like take that shit outside or in the bathroom. and then u dont go wash ur hands after that shit..yuck.. as u can see i have no damn format of what im writing..people ask me all the time how do i come up with what i say..i tell them i dont know..it just comes to me..it can be triggered by the littlest thing and i can extract what i need. like my coworkers still tuck their shirts in or they still wear finger rolls, or they so cheap the bring waffles from home and heat them up at work, or raw turkey bacon and put it in the toaster oven..i mean who does that? Why do women carry so many bags to work..and why do they have so much personal shit on their desk...and why men always pulling at their groin..or why do folks cut their hair only to put tracks in them, or why women settle, or why some men are content with their women buying everything, or why having multiple baby fathers is still in style, or why u got two cars but no house, or why wearing pajamas pants outside became popular, or why Diddy got two big front teeth..or why Mike from Day 26 has gained his weight back, or how do u tell someone that those tracks are just not right for u, or why homeless people gotta look so damn dirty, or how do u hustle and u hanicap, or how u blind but wanna sit in the front, or how people have big confidence in their looks but no one else does, or why u still have to lay on ur back to fasten ur jeans, or y u think people dont know u gay and u hang with gay people?, or why the catholic church dont have better music, or why they take communion every sunday, or why the jehovah witness hit me up at the Citgo at 7:30am, or why folks get real loud when they drink, or why people dont value me, or why they always think im playing, or why they dont know im honest even while joking, or why i cant be honest for fear of losing a friend, or why if u dont continue being my friend we never were, or why did i just snicker at that, or why u always gotta be up under a nigga, or why u still fucking LYING in 2009, or why did i just vent in the last 4 lines, or why im bout to snap out of it, or why skinny people always say they fat, or im always saying stfu, why we are still sending bills by mail, or why im winding down, cause i cant think no more, maybe i need a drive to get material. im out CAAARRRRYYYYYYYYYYY ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!. or why did i get inspiration from reading this again, or why fat people are darker around the neck area, or why we always sit in the front seat, lls, or why i had to laugh at that, or why i had to get a extender on a plane before, and felt some kind of way about it..lls., or why do my knee hurt so bad when i get off a plane, or why i will never use a plane restroom, or how i would hate to be on my period on a plane going overseas, or why white people wash their hair everyday, or why when u go to other cities u call everyone a bamma, and why they probably calling u one too, or why im winding down again,CAAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY OOOOOOOONNNNNNN!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Old Shyt

This is some old stuff I encountered and wrote about on Myspace..thought i'd share..remember this didn't just happen..

I've been going to the doctor for the past couple months to take some tests concerning my health. I went to the doctor on friday for a check up and I got on the scale the assistant was like you lost 2lbs. In my mind I'm like where?...my thumb... I dont see no weight loss...2lbs thats not doing anything for me, tell me twenty or when my belt can go into another hole not no dang 2lbs... thats equivalent of the weight of a corn on someone's toe...Man that was hilarious...Fastforward yesterday I went to take an MRI on my brain...(I'm not crazy) and you have to sit in this seat between these two sensor walls. Let me just say the space was very very very small. So small that there was no wiggle room. The top of my shoulders where sqaured w/ my ears.....All the extra weight( not fat, but extra weight) that I have was shifted to places that coincided with the space I was in. Have you ever taken the air out of some food that was in a ziplock bag and the contents took on the shape of the bag...Thats how I was looking .And I had to sit like this for an hour and a half....pure torture..no movement...my simple tail rested my wrist over this bar where no blood would be flowing thru my hands the entire time, what a dumb move on my part. This the funny part though..the technician was like I'm going to put in a movie for you I'm like ok...So he starts the test and turns on the movie its Roxanne w/ Steve MArtin....So to myself I'm like where's the sound....Steady looking like OK and then it hits me this fool has put the movie on CLOSED CAPTION....Which means I would have to read the movie like I'm deaf I was too thru....I was so mad cause I couldn't go to sleep so I had to watch and read this movie....and it kills me when they put the treble clef by the sentence to let you know its music....I cant hear the beat so it doesn't matter you idiot....I'm out.

So yeah yesterday I'm driving home and to my right out the corner of my eye I witness something never seen before. It was a chick standing talking to a friend I assume. OK nothing wrong with that..right its just that she was wearing a white satin prom dress. At 10:30pm...(prom season is over by the way)....OK the dress was knee length...she had on a chafon( correct spelling?) shirt......and in her hand was a drumroll.... a vacuum?!??!?! Exactly..thats what I thought too. Why is she out this late dressed up with a vacuum....whatever.....Ever met someone that has had their tracks in a tad bit too long.. I mean if your tracks start getting dandruff we have a problem.... Yeah so I'm a big girl not for long Why in every group of friends there are two best friends who are total opposite.....one is a big and the other is small and the small one always drives a civic. Just picture that car in your mind very funny right...I know......I'm going to talk about this one cause I've actually done it...gone to the store with my friends...their petite stores....they're shopping...I come out with a bag....so someone asks you "what did you get from "that store" O I bought these earrings" Duh its the only thing I can fit...That was a stupid ?? and stupid ?? get you stupid answers...Its so crazy though cause its like why are you even in the store... just being supportive... o yeah girl that looks good...when i start working out I'm going to get that...AS IF

OK so I made this dumb ass bet that I could go a month w/o saying a smart comment to this one person..OK so you say a month aint hard trust me its hard as hell for me. The initial bet was 3 months I would have died. Angie said why dont you just not be a smart ass just becuase..I was like why would I do that there's no incentive in that, so I'll keep being sarcastic. Went to the mall tonight let me say being big is so expensive.. Its a mess.. Mo'nique talking bout big girls on the rise. hell no sit your ass down.. this shit aint cool...breathing all hard always thinking they got a damn nasal problem. how the hell you cant breathe thru your nose. I dont do that but some big girls do... And why the hell plus size stores gotta put the sizes on the bags and the store windows. That damn Ashley Stewart 14-26. If you in that store we know you big, they dont need to broadcast that mess even more. a mess. And that damn Hecths. I've wallked the entire store one day loking for the plus size section only for it to be by the damn kid's clothing. And its never on the main floor always upstairs or downstairs.. Dont isolate like that.. Thas not cute. Can you tolerate a friend who lies to you, even though you know they lie? I know, but I do its crazy though cause I would think we are better than that but whatever...thats was random but it was on my mind...O I know what i forgot I saw this big girl I think she was suppose to have on gouchos, but they looked like hi-waters. Shameful. And if you got a fat ass foot shop at Rockport..stop trying to put that foot in a sandal. it dont work....man i can go on and on but i need to go get on the treadmill.......Pain is endurance....And one more thing if you fat stop getting diet sodas when you eat out obviously that shit aint working.....Pain is endurance..Gotta go...

So the red dot on my forehead is slowly but surely fading away. That took a while. I dont have to much to talk about today. Just random funny stuff. Like I saw this mammal( human being) at church...they had a jehri curl shag. Yes I was just as astonished as you. But whatever... then this other mammal had a wig on that looked like it came off the black cabbage patch dolls head. The kinky twist. Hey when did they start making padded underwire TRAINING BRAS....TRAININGS BRAS DONT NEED UNDERWIRE... thats a mess....me and the girls were at burlingtons one day and they had a leopard design training bra and panty set. not leopard training bra. that design should be more for the grown and sexy rather than the young and dumb. then yesterday went to walmart...karima was like stef where is the clearance rack. I said the whole damn store is a clearance rack. I hate that store... too many damn people. always looking for a bargain.. hell a bottled soda is $.50..how much more of sale do u want. and they got the nerve to check your bag on the way out....aah i hate that store.....what am i stealing? a CLEAN version of Late Registration o my bad they dont sell the uncut version... AH i hate that store. It so cluddered always.....Now Target thats the ISH for real. thats the spot....Let me talk about footlocker now. took my grandfather there over the weekend to get some shoes...why do they always have two rows of the same shoe trying to fill the store up.....and the only shoes on sale for 2 for $89 are new balance.. Another damn thing if you wear a size 12 and up(women) dont buy shoes out of Payless. Go get yourself a good shoe. Thats probably why your feet messed up now. Those shoes are huge. My grandmother went in there to get a size 11 bless her heart i hate that store too. She was really pushing it. OK thats it for now. Can I just Anita Baker has hits for dayz. I love her.

So I was riding home from work yesterday and I saw a Toyota Camry. Toyota is the maker of Lexus by the way....keep that in mind for this story....So i'm looking at the plates you'd never believe what they said....drumrolllllllllllllll............ LILEXUS. Are you kidding me?!?!?! A toyota Camry is a LILEXUS.....hell to the naw.....Camry isn't even the top of the line for Toyota its the Avalon. This dude had too much confidence in his Camry I think.....I thought this was soooooooo funny. You know my humor is left field anyways but come on now. Well that was my laugh for yesterday...........

So I went to get something to eat the other day...And I saw a Suburban...Now this doesn't top my Lilexus but it was funny enough to warrant a comment...It said FATPIMP... HAHAHA. Hey that was hilarious. This guy wasn't even doing it big. Some people got to much confidence that is borderline conceit/ cockiness. I digress..

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Foolishness

Just some dumb azz videos I thought spoke to what i find humorous..maybe u dont..o well beat it..literally and figuratively!



Welcome

Evening friends and foes....Its official......I thank you in advance for coming thru..tell ya friends..the more laughs the better..My only goal is to express myself the only way i know how....by making u laugh....i dont mean to directly insult anyone..if its hits to close to home, MOVE!!!...This is all about me and my observations that i encounter everyday...so sit back relax..spread the word...its bout to get off the chain..i may curse occasionally so if u real religious u may wanna find another venue...aint nothing like that going down in these parts...