the morning after

a couple days have passed since i wrote my last blog and i can truly say it helped me. i hold so much in that when it comes out, its intense..i think talking about ur feelings leaves u vulnerable. i dont wanna be that way. i've read that blog maybe twice and every time i tear up...i cant do it. im thankful for the encouragement i received about it though. it helps...this is going to be an on going process for me. i just pray i can get through it.

my heart

i dont think ill ever be transparent as im about to be, but i have to get this out b/c my mental state is at risk...my grandmother meant the absolute world to me literally. she had gone to the hospital the day b4 because she wasnt getting a reading on her line for dialysis so they decided to keep her.my aunt said she was being her normal nosy self but things changed the night into the mornning.ill never forget the day 12/11/08 at about 3 or 4am. i wake up out of my sleep to see a missed called from my mom...grandma had a mild heart attack...my mom said not to worry, she knew i was coming though. she said stefany dont drive fast...i always came...if grandma was in the hospital for a day and i had not been up there yet, she'd ask where is stefany cause she knew i'd be coming. as she always said im her right hand man i loved being her favorite and my cousins knew i was...i dont know what it was...but for as long as i can remember i was always with my grandmother. older women in the church were always saying are u the baby that was in the basket. i'd say yes. Grandma carried me in a basket when i was a baby and apparently everyone thought that was so cute. ........but she was my #1 so i get to the hospital and she is breathing on her own but the doctors want to put her on a breathing machine..me i just want her to be better...see grandma had episodes b4..she'd always have me looking for alternatives to dialysis...she hated it..but i always told her if u wanna be here u have to go...cause i want u here...she'd say stefany when the Lord takes me i'll be ok...clearly i didnt want to hear that...or the time when she cut the dailysis tube to her neck and started bleeding...she said she was itching and thought she could cut it...i think she was tired then..but i didnt want to believe it..everytime she went to the hospital it was hard for me cause i knew she was sick but i dreaded the day my beloved grandmother would leave me...so later that morning she goes in for the procedure to insert the breathing tube and we play the waiting game...she's hooked up to dialysis to try to get the fluid off of her. so we wait.. and lord knows i dont wanna leave...i hold her hand, rub her forehead, talk to her to let her know im here..i tell her to open her eyes thats all i wanted was to see her and she see me... we wait all day long...i cry my heart out cause my favorite person is lying on this bed and i can do nothing..she was a fighter..friday comes no change..im emotionally drained but the doctor said he was seeing signs they wanted to try an alternative procedure to see if it worked on saturday..they said if this didnt work basically they'd be keeping her alive for us. so one by one my family came in to say there goodbyes cause they knew..my grandfather came in to tell my grandmother that he had been to the doctor like she told him. the same day he went to the doctor would be the same day she went to the hospital. to see my grandfather's face is something i never want to see again..here he's looking at this person who he's know since age 15. 60 yrs of being together..heartbreaking...ur never ready to hear that...so sunday comes and the doctors meet w/ my family. they say we've done all we could do... my mother says grandma wouldnt want to be hooked up to a machine..im instantly crying...then my uncle ditto'd what my mom said..then my grandfather said remove the breathing tube....i go back to my grandmother's side as i see the lady remove the tube for my grandmother..i sit with her holding her hand..feeling the warmth of her hand..i'll never forget the feeling..just wanting her to open her eyes..thats all i wanted..she didnt..her breathes were long and hard...heard someone say thats how u know someone is dying...i continue to sit. torture myself b/c i dont want to move...im looking at my grandmother and i hear a sound..i look up and my uncle's wife says she's gone...then i see the nurse come in and turn the machine off...just like that my world ended..just like that..death the one thing i hate, am afraid of happened in front of my eyes to my favorite person in the world...i was lost..i cried and cried..i dont ever want to feel that again...how and why didnt i self-destruct i dont know..but it hurt..hurt bad..came back to my aunts house and cried my eyes out..everyone said she wouldnt want me mourning over her like that...that she loved me and they knew that by how we interacted.it was nice that someone knew that but i didnt want to hear that...she was everything to me..i loved our time together...she'd do anything for me..give me her last 5, cook anything i asked her to, call only me to take her to the store...that was gone....half my heart was gone...so the week went past i cried every night just wanting to see her face, hear her voice one more time...i decide to go view her body b4 the funeral just to get that out my system. it helped a little but by time the funeral came i was no good. i didnt care to see her in a casket...i miss her...over the past few months i've had vivid thoughts of her...like i want to be with her literally...thats how bad i want to be w/ my grandmother again. these are strong feelings...going to my grandfather's house does something to me...we will talk sometimes about we both miss her..i asked him did she know i loved er so much..he said yes emphatically..he said stefany she loved when u would take her to the store and not be impatient with her. b4 i came i'd always tell her to be ready, and everytime i came she wasnt. but i wouldnt rush her...i knew she didnt move as fast but i also knew she loved going to the store...i'd get the motorized scooter for her to shop for herself and she'd have a ball..he said she always talked about that and how much she appreciated it..she'd call me to and tell me that...i'd always say i didnt mind..i loved doing it..even though they only always called me.i'd give anything to have that back....some days are good some a really bad..i have bad thoughts..its just that i dont wanna be here if she isnt..writing this helps but it doesnt solve the problem of this hole in my heart that im not sure will ever heal. i think im going crazy sometimes to have thoughts like this b/c i know she wouldnt want this but i'd never have someone so close to me die b4..i luved her more than my own mother..and deaths scares the hell out of me..i hate it..i dont think i can go thru again i may just snap...i just miss her so much and everyone mourns different..obviously im not good w/ it..it pains me to see people w/ their grandmother..cause i wish mine was still here...i think my love for the elderly came from my grandmother...i thank her for that...but it hurts none the less...we live to die...thats a hell of a concept which i havent seemed to grasp...i just wish she was here..i really really miss her