Saturday, February 19, 2011

Knew it was coming

I knew it would happen..I said it at my grandmother's funeral..."keep my grandfather in your prayers"...if my grandmother's death would be hard on anyone, it would be him. She was all he knew and the only person that could put up with him. Its been about two years since she passed, and my grandfather had been doing good living on his own. In the past past year he started falling out of his wheelchair. he wasn't paralyzed, but previous circumstances confined him to that wheelchair. The episodes starting becoming too frequent and one day he went to the hospital and never returned to his home. He is a stubborn, bitter, mean old man, but he's my grandfather. Catch him on a good day and he's nice, but he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed alot. He is a man who thinks he knows more than the professionals, so when they attempted to help him he said no. Something basic as drawing blood, he said no. He didn't want no help, he just wants to go home. Not this time. He'd gotten a diagnosis during the one time he allowed the doctors to do his job. It was something that could be maintained with medicine, he said no. Don't give him nothing. No procedures, no new medicine...whatever was going on in his body, so be it. He was gonna live and not be assisted in doing so. Stubborn old man. Its been extremely difficult to visit him in the rehab/long term facility. He blames his children for putting him there, even though he can't take care of himself anymore. In his mind he believes he can. So when you visit him, you never know what you're gonna get. There are times you can say hi and he will railroad you with allegations. I'll never forget the one day I went and he cursed me out so bad. ME, the one that would do anything for him even though he gets on my last nerve. I told him i wasn't going to see him anymore and left. Me leaving is a common thing because he moods change fast. It hurt though. Because I know he's angry at being there I went back 3 weeks later, and he apologized. I said grandda I dont pay you no mind. He was truly relieved because he didnt mean it. One thing about him is he has his mind with alot of things, but sometimes his anger gets the best of him and he talks crazy.Today I visited him and my uncles happened to be there too. I could tell as soon as i walked in the room that the visit wasn't pleasant. i handed him the cell phone, stayed and listened as he talked crazy and then left. I got in my car and left. I can't stand to see him so bitter and angry because he's in the best place for him, though he doesnt agree. He says people tell him he's ok and there is no reason for him to be there, but these people don't know his story. He looks good on the outside, but he's just not able. He's told me many times, he wants to see his wife, and i know he does. he's just biding his time because he's tired. I dont want him to be miserable and clearly he is.