tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57637650129703690972024-03-08T02:55:49.321-05:00MAYhemLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-47378803036476900952012-09-20T21:11:00.001-04:002012-09-20T21:11:56.382-04:00Fear to ConfidenceI attended Second City in Chicago last year and the teacher wanted us to write a piece going from one extreme to the other. I chose fear to confidence. Check it out..my life in a nutshell...
FEAR to CONFIDENCE
So this is a new environment for me. I'm the new kid on the block. Will they get me?! Will they understand me?! I'm just gonna sit in the back and not say a word. Damn it teacher, why the hell would you call on me?! I don't know the answer and I damn sure don't know these people. I answer as best as I know how. They laugh!! Ice broken. Shit that wasn't easy, still got 3 more classes today. I can't possibly make them all laugh. 2nd class teacher does the same bullshit...call me out. Do I have new student written on my face?! I MUST!!! I made their asses laugh though!!! 3rd and 4th period teachers do the same thing. smh..I've warmed up by now. Yeah you know the result. They laughed!! I got these suckers in the palm of my hand now. Dude sitting next to me says man you're funny as hell. I tell him, man I'm the new guy here. I make folks laugh to get over my own fears. This is only the beginning. This is who I am...I'm just glad yall laughed...LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-7832562525525594102011-05-25T21:21:00.003-04:002011-05-25T21:30:06.358-04:00That Urge AgainI've done it before...and I said I wouldn't do it it again w/o thinking first, but its tugging at me bad. I don't know if its my frustration w/ one situation or my dream pulling me in another direction....Its strong though. This time wouldn't be like last time where I did it based on principle...this time it would be simply for me to stop being scared to just live. Failure is in not trying. I say that all the time. So many thoughts cross my mind...will they get me, will they laugh, will my pride be hurt, will I win...Well, Stefany you won't know unless you try...Im trying to subside this urge to quit my job cause I feel its taking time away from me doing what I'm called to do.....pray with and for me...LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-37557470586355915252011-05-23T12:22:00.003-04:002011-05-23T12:34:40.508-04:00Best Birthday EverI have to say this has been the best birthday I've ever had. I'm normally not that hung up on my day cause I could care less, but for some reason this year was different. Started the week off having dinner w/ some of my good friends and one of my favorite people at Oceannaire. Dinner was absolutely great. Good food, folks, and fun. Wed May 18th my actual day I went to work for half day came home took a nap and then proceeded to Uniontown for more food, folks, and fun. I was truly thankful for everyone who showed up to celebrate with me and show me love on my day. I even had my cousins come out for me....Thursday was best though. The moment I found out Avery Sunshine was at Blues Alley I purchased tickets. What better way to spend my birthday than with this awesome spirit. She got her baileys and when I went up to get a cd signed she said where is the "hat"? lol My friends showed out for me at the show and the after show events were even better..Had a great time w/ those 2 friends...lol Friday was a chill day even though I did hit a bar, I ended up in the house rather early. Saturday I had a slight cookout w/ friends that got a lil out of hand but ended up being a wonderful night thanks to my bro who hooked us up at Stadium...funny funny funny...Sunday..church..the kickball w/ the girls...action packed week....and now I pay for it.....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-86098434944425929372011-04-30T12:13:00.002-04:002011-04-30T12:38:33.487-04:00HumbledI am truly humbled.....I haven't shared all of what I've been doing with a lot of people, but when asked I'll share it with you. My desire in life is to just make you laugh. A comedian...comedic writer...anything that involves laughter is my passion. I recently found a high school friend on facebook and we were just catching up and I told her what I was doing and just following my dreams...She asked what were those dreams..I said comedy of course...She said I was hoping you'd say that...I wanted to cry...She said you've been funny since high school...wow...I knew i was a class clown but never did i think my friends had that expectation of comedy for me. She wasn't the only one to tell me that. There have been many others to say the same thing and it lets me know that what I'm working for is going to happen. My nerves are shot though...I've never HAD to be funny...I just was...no arrogance behind that...its just that I'm able to find humor in everything...but never have I had to on purpose make you laugh, I do it purposely on accident if that makes sense. If these butterflies I feel are any indication that I'm on the right track...butterflies it is...I cannot explain the drive I have right now....I mean I'm waking up out of my sleep with jokes...stuff I find funny that I want to talk about.....Its funny how I want to do this comedy thing but I loathe being the center of attention...I get nervous....It's gonna happen though....I just thank my friends who are encouraging me to do it....to know that they believe in this gift that God gave me...I don't take it for granted...I am truly humbled...<br /><br />I type all of this as I listen to Avery*Sunshine....this lady's music is the #1 reason why I stopped sitting on my hands and started being serious about this thingLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-73265177526828071302011-04-29T13:00:00.003-04:002011-04-29T13:10:46.394-04:00Caseofthe30sahhhhh 30...that number scared the crap out of me as I started to approach it. I was feeling uneasy, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. I hadn't done anything with my life, in my eyes anyways. Yes I went to school, graduated but that was normal to me because mostly everyone I was around had done the same thing. So when I finally turned 30, the actual day I was in LA vacationing. I woke up excited to say I was 30. I was in another age bracket. I embraced it. 30 has been good to me. I've felt the change and shift in my personality and how I deal with people. I honestly don't care. Its something my friend Keia and I call the caseofthe30s. 30 is a wonderful age because this is when you start to live. The 20s served their purpose, to rid me of all the immaturity I had and to serve as the springboard into the next phase of my life. I'm quite happy to be 30 and even more happy to be turning 31 in a 2 weeks. Now not say I'm where I want to be, cause there are a few things I still need to get together, but I'm not doormant any longer. I'm making strides...I'm not just talking the talk but I'm walking the walk. caseofthe30sLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-26076212506308821132011-04-24T22:16:00.003-04:002011-04-28T13:34:11.793-04:00Hardheadedok so i can tell you right now even though this is serious Its probably gonna turn into a damn joke once i finish...so i had been experiencing headaches for a while last yr...I'd get them like for 3-4 days straight at a time and the only thing that would save me was sleep. Medicine didn't help me at all and the pain was so much I just went to sleep...so i prolonged going to the doctor b/c no one wants to hear any bad news from the doctor..finally went to see my neurologist, Dr. Majlessi..yes i have a neurologist b/c i started having anxiety attacks a few yrs ago and didn't know what it was...anyways he recommends a ophthalmologist to check my eyes because he saw increased pressure in my pupils. i go see Dr Kolsky..take a bevy of exams...w/ one including a spinal tap(google it)..now I'm not afraid of anything for the most part...but having to undress in front of male nurses is not my cup of tea and i did not have my cutest panties on and i had to take my bra off and these jugs where not on their best behavior for this procedure that required me on my stomach so they could stick a needle in my back...lol..i was on that gurney laughing all too hard at myself for that blunder..lol so back to all these tests...i had eye exams, spinals tap, more eye exams...1 eye exam was so bad they put a dye in my arm and i swear in 30secs i felt as though i was about to vomit...i had my pupils dilated more in the past yr than i did in my life.. so take all these tests..come back for my follow up and Dr. Kolsky confirms what that Dr. Majlessi says he thought I had...Pseudotumor(google it)<br /><br />Now just like anyone who hears tumor anything you get nervous b/c tumors are serious...so i do my good research online and come to find out it aint really a tumor but its just a way to scare me to lose weight..lol...but then i saw " vision loss" and got scared all over again...like i wanna lose weight but damn it dont press me out about it...so Dr. Kolsky says you need to lose some weight, cut out red meat, sugar, sweets, and beverages with sugar...now when he said that i had an attitude cause i love to drink. so i asked him what are the odds of me going blind...he said you need to lose weight so i took that as a sign...Let me tell you...<br />life for me aint been no crystal stairIt's had tacks in it,<br />And splinters,<br />And boards torn up,<br />And places with no carpet on the floor --<br />Bare.<br />But all the time<br />I'se been a-climbin' on,<br />And reachin' landin's,<br />And turnin' corners,<br />And sometimes goin' in the dark<br />Where there ain't been no light.<br />So girl, don't you turn back.<br />Don't you set down on the steps<br />'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.<br />Don't you fall now --<br />For I'se still goin', honey,<br />I'se still climbin',<br />And life for me ain't been no crystal stair......lmao<br /><br />I think I had a drink right after I left the doctors just out of spite...I did stop drinking though for a second and when I went places where there was liquor my friends were like why aren't drinking stef and I'd say I'm not drinking not really getting into the reasons PEER PRESSURE IS REAL LOL..i tortured myself once and went and sat at a bar w/ my friends and had juice...I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN...but fast forward...I'm really conscious of what I eat now...and i try to keep my drinks to a maximum of 2...I've cut red meat all together(not that I ever ate alot it), no bread...and my next is to eliminate fried foods completely...that juice thing is gonna be a challenge cause i dont like water...I write this blog 2 days after i was totally tipsy at the bar...I repent every time i drink...I'm gonna wise up one day..lol..but pray for me and my hardhead...cause a hard head makes a soft ass....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-84395151630190427182011-04-08T08:11:00.004-04:002011-04-24T21:54:24.850-04:001 monthWell yesterday culminated a month of me putting the gears in motion for my dreams to come true...I can truly say progress has been made. I've become so focused in the past month by just eliminating things and people that were getting in my head. I can see cleary now the rain is gone..lol..been getting alot of comedic ideas...writing, writing, and writing.....sought out the expertise of some well respected people who have poured into me knowledge that I'm soaking up. I thank them for that. March could have easily been my demise but it didn't shake my belief. I think I'm stronger for it. God is still good and I thank Him everyday for just being faithful to me. Its rather funny that when I started this blog I said I wouldn't be doing alot of religious stuff on here, but look how God has His own plan. lol He's amazing...So I keep shining, pressing forward determined to be where I'm suppose to be. This is only the beginning...LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-84283185586971707882011-03-29T08:36:00.004-04:002011-04-24T22:08:02.326-04:00A Day in the LifeSo I went to Trader Joe's w/ a friend of mine the other day. I had never been in that store before and there were food products and brands that I didn't know existed. So I'm walking the store kind of fascinated at everything I'm seeing...So we finish shopping and get to the counter...This man rings a damn bell..not just any bell but like a bell to come eat like we were back on the planation...I was highly offended..lol...I mean I thought we left slavery alone and that bell just took me back..lol...you know I long for the day I can go through that machine at work(through that wheel thing that turn at the hips) w/o turning my body sideways..lol...I'm getting there...I think its discrimination to folk with big butts and hips and big everything else...it aint right...I've always wondered what do women w/ big breasts do on rollercoasters when the harness has to come across the body...that hurts...hate being pushed in like that..lol..I wonder do skinny folk get mad they always gotta sit in the middle in the back of a car and the other 2 folk are not skinny...and then the driver will say is everyone good back there..only the skinny person responds and says "I am" lol...shut up...lol...plus size clothes cost....why? more fabric more money..lol..I want to talk about my dental experience yesterday..I'm by no means afraid of the dentist, but there are so many things that go wrong there...like when they are drilling, say to replace a filling, and that stuff gets on your tongue and you accidentally swallow...its digusting..or when the dentist w/ gloves on still have smelly fingers..lol..I can hardly talk about the dentist because the wording I'd use would invoke a *pause* automatically...words like swallow, tongue, open wide...I could go on but I'll stop..lol...when i catch the train home somedays I wonder how do the guys feel when the train is crowded and they have to stand face to face...do they look at each other? do they both put their heads down...lol such an uncomfortable moment. and shout out to the dudes selling those oils on the train..they really push product..give u samples and everything all while riding home....OMG there is a lady that stands on the corner and asks for money daily and she uses those special crutches that form a circle around your arm..well i think she has problems standing or walking but nonetheless she stands in the street asking for money..the other day i saw her in a different spot, this time in a wheelchair..ma'am which one is it going to be...lol...for those that go to church do you have that minister that doesn't get to shine on the mic alot and when they do get a chance they act a fool? i don't like to get started on church cause I won't stop....I was doing sound one day and these visitors were sitting upstairs in the balcony and came into the soundroom and say can you cut them down..ma'am I don't cater sound to you.this sound stays the same every week..lol...folks are so funny.LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-77569584486684222312011-03-27T18:22:00.002-04:002011-03-27T18:29:26.928-04:00MusicI've been listening to alot of music lately....<br />Avery*Sunshine(inspired my rebirth),<br />KING(just amazing),<br />Lalah Hathaway and w/ Kirk Whalum(no words),<br />Timothy Bloom(diggin him),<br />Marsha Ambrosius<br />I'm really into instrumentation and Horn arrangements make my day.....I can play instruments in my head...lol and I until I get this piano situation under control thats where it will be..lol<br /><br />OMG Kindred You Got Love.....the horns are so great.....I am a disciple of Kindred....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-81271542947797863062011-03-27T17:59:00.004-04:002011-03-27T18:22:05.471-04:00Just TypingI decided to change up my background to reflect who I am....the comedy mask and boombox...humor and music....my 2 loves..I have so many comedic ideas in my head I'm having a hard time trying to write them down...if there is anything that comes easy to me....its funny situations, but formulating them on paper has proven to be a task. I'm more of an improvisational type person where I feed off of the moment and can just go in on a subject. Nevertheless I'm attempting to write them down. A friend mentioned I should do video blogs and that's cool but I think the camera would just have to be rolling and catch me in the act versus me preparing some script.....As for the music part...I've written like 5 songs, of which none are finished...I'm gonna continue at that..my friend told me just to keep writing and as you write you get better. I continue to be happy...and I honestly haven't worried about anything since March 7th...I should get that tattooed on my arm.....REBIRTH 3/7/11...i digress...though my threshold for pain is pretty high.....I've always wondered what if I got a tattoo and didn't like it? I'd look like a fool..plus I'm light....you'd see it...clearly....<br /><br />Bye Now......<br /><br />PS ADULTS should never say BYE BYE to another adult.....lolLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-66160102814614609432011-03-21T09:15:00.001-04:002011-03-21T09:26:38.909-04:00Still BaskingMarch 2011 has been the greatest personally and the worst in terms of my family members going on to heaven. As I type my heart is heavy at the news of my cousin passing this AM after a lengthy illness. After my grandfather passed I was telling my cousin she needed to go visit her grandfather even in his sick state becuase you just never know the day nor hour. When she hit me this morning to tell me about her grandfather's passing she indicated she went to see him yesterday. What a relief! Nothing worse than feeling that pain of the " i didn't get to see them before they passed" RIP Maurice Coles<br /><br />On the flip side...I've been practicing on the piano...relearning the keys...the basics before I start back up my lessons. I've put pen to paper to about 5 songs....writing jokes....writing stuff for my roast. I feel I've become disconnected from my friends a little bit. In the grand scheme of things I need to focus if I want to achieve my goal....I can get sidetracked fast....I'm so happy right now in spite of death and this boring job i have...lol...but I still thank God....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-27305645898038801252011-03-09T18:30:00.000-05:002011-03-10T12:49:15.704-05:00Happy TearsSo as I wrote my blog earlier yesterday I was in such a great place in life. Then before I could put head to pillow....my grandfather, LOUIS CLARK passes away.....After work I went with my mother and aunts to see my grandfather in the nursing home b/c my aunt received a call monday night saying he was in pain and they were going to give him morphine. I went to visit him on Sunday and as I think now...it was a different sleep. Usually when I woke him up he'd get right up, this time he was really groggy...He'd open his eyes, but never really responded to me. So when we went back on tuesday night he was on oxygen and really irritated. He was acting the same way my grandmother had done in her final moments. I knew he wasn't gonna make it. We had prayer around him, and left thinking he'd be ok after the morphine. Not 2 hours after we got home, the phone rang....he had passed away.....In between that time my two cousins had called me about going to see him, I didn't say no but we hesitated...that hesitation haunted them. they were distraught, but for me it was a blessing. I sat with my grandmother as she turned cold and I couldn't take sitting thru another death. I cried, because death is hard. I rejoiced because he was finally at peace...with his wife who he had sorely missed...I can't cry right now....still in shock a bit.....but my grandparents are together again and that brings me joy....RIP Grandda....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-38577957979473955512011-03-08T10:56:00.002-05:002011-03-27T17:46:14.790-04:00What a difference a Day MakesSo I turned 30 last year and I went through that phase of am I gonna do what I want or live the conventional life..I've known since high school what my desire was however....March 7, 2011 was the day i put it in motion. No turning back....I had been playing Avery Sunshine's cd nonstop just listening to the lyrics and the music and it brought me to tears. The song Need You Now, in particular, is my theme song for life. I just kept listening and applying it to my life. Tears flowed...happy tears cause I finally got it..I wasn't gonna pussyfoot any longer. I'm inspired...she inspired me...that's what music does...I went home and pulled my keyboard out and started playing by ear and came up with a stupid melody, but the fact that I know nothing but which key is what and was able to make that much meant so much to me...Today I started looking for sketch writing courses...FOUND ONE...MUSIC AND COMEDY...MY LIFE...My life has really just begun and I owe it all to GOD and that damn Avery Sunshine cd.lol...I'm so high off life right now nobody can bring me down. *now to go dust off those papers of jokes I've written down over the years....LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-3250555313037468882011-02-19T12:55:00.000-05:002011-02-19T13:17:24.763-05:00Knew it was comingI knew it would happen..I said it at my grandmother's funeral..."keep my grandfather in your prayers"...if my grandmother's death would be hard on anyone, it would be him. She was all he knew and the only person that could put up with him. Its been about two years since she passed, and my grandfather had been doing good living on his own. In the past past year he started falling out of his wheelchair. he wasn't paralyzed, but previous circumstances confined him to that wheelchair. The episodes starting becoming too frequent and one day he went to the hospital and never returned to his home. He is a stubborn, bitter, mean old man, but he's my grandfather. Catch him on a good day and he's nice, but he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed alot. He is a man who thinks he knows more than the professionals, so when they attempted to help him he said no. Something basic as drawing blood, he said no. He didn't want no help, he just wants to go home. Not this time. He'd gotten a diagnosis during the one time he allowed the doctors to do his job. It was something that could be maintained with medicine, he said no. Don't give him nothing. No procedures, no new medicine...whatever was going on in his body, so be it. He was gonna live and not be assisted in doing so. Stubborn old man. Its been extremely difficult to visit him in the rehab/long term facility. He blames his children for putting him there, even though he can't take care of himself anymore. In his mind he believes he can. So when you visit him, you never know what you're gonna get. There are times you can say hi and he will railroad you with allegations. I'll never forget the one day I went and he cursed me out so bad. ME, the one that would do anything for him even though he gets on my last nerve. I told him i wasn't going to see him anymore and left. Me leaving is a common thing because he moods change fast. It hurt though. Because I know he's angry at being there I went back 3 weeks later, and he apologized. I said grandda I dont pay you no mind. He was truly relieved because he didnt mean it. One thing about him is he has his mind with alot of things, but sometimes his anger gets the best of him and he talks crazy.Today I visited him and my uncles happened to be there too. I could tell as soon as i walked in the room that the visit wasn't pleasant. i handed him the cell phone, stayed and listened as he talked crazy and then left. I got in my car and left. I can't stand to see him so bitter and angry because he's in the best place for him, though he doesnt agree. He says people tell him he's ok and there is no reason for him to be there, but these people don't know his story. He looks good on the outside, but he's just not able. He's told me many times, he wants to see his wife, and i know he does. he's just biding his time because he's tired. I dont want him to be miserable and clearly he is.LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-54118963385063035072009-09-15T00:13:00.000-04:002009-09-15T00:17:30.187-04:00the morning aftera couple days have passed since i wrote my last blog and i can truly say it helped me. i hold so much in that when it comes out, its intense..i think talking about ur feelings leaves u vulnerable. i dont wanna be that way. i've read that blog maybe twice and every time i tear up...i cant do it. im thankful for the encouragement i received about it though. it helps...this is going to be an on going process for me. i just pray i can get through it.LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-90385105454441105602009-09-10T22:24:00.002-04:002011-12-14T00:11:20.874-05:00my hearti dont think ill ever be transparent as im about to be, but i have to get this out b/c my mental state is at risk...my grandmother meant the absolute world to me literally. she had gone to the hospital the day b4 because she wasnt getting a reading on her line for dialysis so they decided to keep her.my aunt said she was being her normal nosy self but things changed the night into the mornning.ill never forget the day 12/11/08 at about 3 or 4am. i wake up out of my sleep to see a missed called from my mom...grandma had a mild heart attack...my mom said not to worry, she knew i was coming though. she said stefany dont drive fast...i always came...if grandma was in the hospital for a day and i had not been up there yet, she'd ask where is stefany cause she knew i'd be coming. as she always said im her right hand man i loved being her favorite and my cousins knew i was...i dont know what it was...but for as long as i can remember i was always with my grandmother. older women in the church were always saying are u the baby that was in the basket. i'd say yes. Grandma carried me in a basket when i was a baby and apparently everyone thought that was so cute. ........but she was my #1 so i get to the hospital and she is breathing on her own but the doctors want to put her on a breathing machine..me i just want her to be better...see grandma had episodes b4..she'd always have me looking for alternatives to dialysis...she hated it..but i always told her if u wanna be here u have to go...cause i want u here...she'd say stefany when the Lord takes me i'll be ok...clearly i didnt want to hear that...or the time when she cut the dailysis tube to her neck and started bleeding...she said she was itching and thought she could cut it...i think she was tired then..but i didnt want to believe it..everytime she went to the hospital it was hard for me cause i knew she was sick but i dreaded the day my beloved grandmother would leave me...so later that morning she goes in for the procedure to insert the breathing tube and we play the waiting game...she's hooked up to dialysis to try to get the fluid off of her. so we wait.. and lord knows i dont wanna leave...i hold her hand, rub her forehead, talk to her to let her know im here..i tell her to open her eyes thats all i wanted was to see her and she see me... we wait all day long...i cry my heart out cause my favorite person is lying on this bed and i can do nothing..she was a fighter..friday comes no change..im emotionally drained but the doctor said he was seeing signs they wanted to try an alternative procedure to see if it worked on saturday..they said if this didnt work basically they'd be keeping her alive for us. so one by one my family came in to say there goodbyes cause they knew..my grandfather came in to tell my grandmother that he had been to the doctor like she told him. the same day he went to the doctor would be the same day she went to the hospital. to see my grandfather's face is something i never want to see again..here he's looking at this person who he's know since age 15. 60 yrs of being together..heartbreaking...ur never ready to hear that...so sunday comes and the doctors meet w/ my family. they say we've done all we could do... my mother says grandma wouldnt want to be hooked up to a machine..im instantly crying...then my uncle ditto'd what my mom said..then my grandfather said remove the breathing tube....i go back to my grandmother's side as i see the lady remove the tube for my grandmother..i sit with her holding her hand..feeling the warmth of her hand..i'll never forget the feeling..just wanting her to open her eyes..thats all i wanted..she didnt..her breathes were long and hard...heard someone say thats how u know someone is dying...i continue to sit. torture myself b/c i dont want to move...im looking at my grandmother and i hear a sound..i look up and my uncle's wife says she's gone...then i see the nurse come in and turn the machine off...just like that my world ended..just like that..death the one thing i hate, am afraid of happened in front of my eyes to my favorite person in the world...i was lost..i cried and cried..i dont ever want to feel that again...how and why didnt i self-destruct i dont know..but it hurt..hurt bad..came back to my aunts house and cried my eyes out..everyone said she wouldnt want me mourning over her like that...that she loved me and they knew that by how we interacted.it was nice that someone knew that but i didnt want to hear that...she was everything to me..i loved our time together...she'd do anything for me..give me her last 5, cook anything i asked her to, call only me to take her to the store...that was gone....half my heart was gone...so the week went past i cried every night just wanting to see her face, hear her voice one more time...i decide to go view her body b4 the funeral just to get that out my system. it helped a little but by time the funeral came i was no good. i didnt care to see her in a casket...i miss her...over the past few months i've had vivid thoughts of her...like i want to be with her literally...thats how bad i want to be w/ my grandmother again. these are strong feelings...going to my grandfather's house does something to me...we will talk sometimes about we both miss her..i asked him did she know i loved er so much..he said yes emphatically..he said stefany she loved when u would take her to the store and not be impatient with her. b4 i came i'd always tell her to be ready, and everytime i came she wasnt. but i wouldnt rush her...i knew she didnt move as fast but i also knew she loved going to the store...i'd get the motorized scooter for her to shop for herself and she'd have a ball..he said she always talked about that and how much she appreciated it..she'd call me to and tell me that...i'd always say i didnt mind..i loved doing it..even though they only always called me.i'd give anything to have that back....some days are good some a really bad..i have bad thoughts..its just that i dont wanna be here if she isnt..writing this helps but it doesnt solve the problem of this hole in my heart that im not sure will ever heal. i think im going crazy sometimes to have thoughts like this b/c i know she wouldnt want this but i'd never have someone so close to me die b4..i luved her more than my own mother..and deaths scares the hell out of me..i hate it..i dont think i can go thru again i may just snap...i just miss her so much and everyone mourns different..obviously im not good w/ it..it pains me to see people w/ their grandmother..cause i wish mine was still here...i think my love for the elderly came from my grandmother...i thank her for that...but it hurts none the less...we live to die...thats a hell of a concept which i havent seemed to grasp...i just wish she was here..i really really miss herLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-48292714167635722442009-03-24T19:42:00.000-04:002009-03-24T19:51:16.520-04:00dogok so my prayers were answered..glad he's back...anyhow met my folks down the park...wanted to personally ask me to support her journey to Africa but coming to her party this weekend and to say she was exercising...she was like i sent that email..i was like oh yeah i deleted that...lol..she knew i did...anyhow..we walk around the park to end up at the car watching this guy talk to his dog like a human...its a puppy, bull mastiff, i believe he said...but he's talking to this dog like its a toddler..told the dog if u move im a beat ur ass, huh?, dog dont know what that mean...then he proceeded to cradle the dog like a baby and wipe the paws, mind u steady talking to the dog like it a human..he wraps the dog's feet in a towel and now im like sick to my stomach..im ready to call SPCA on his ass...u dont have compassion for dogs until u are a dog owner...he was really frustrating me..so he wraps the dog up an places her in the car steady telling her he would beat her ass..when he finishes he turns to us and say do we want a dog?...huh...we proceeded to ask him why they hell was he treating the dog bad..he said she stubborn and spoiled..i said u did that..he said i know and now i have to break her out of it...dumb we left..LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-83570691268793182302009-03-23T14:56:00.000-04:002009-03-23T15:07:14.554-04:00Meim as complex a person as they come...today did something i usually dont do and told a person how i was feeling about them..may seem easy to u, very difficult for me. im not a talker...hate confrontation, it angers me...but i did and now i feel different, dont know whether good or bad...but im glad i said what i said...i internalize so much that when im ready to speak on it..so much time has passed..its because it takes alot to get me mad/frustrated..me talking about my feelings has drained me today.folk tell me to journal i dont like journals cause they are deadly..yeah its about writing down your personal thoughts, but this is about as personal as i will get. no one gets all of me....i have absolutely nothing funny to say and i hate feeling like that...i like making folk laugh. its what brings joy to me....i gave up facebook for the rest of the week..just dont feel like being on it..i wanna devote more time to my blog...this sappy shit is blowing me too..my mind locks down every once in a while to allow serious tones to intervene, i guess this is one of those days...the only good thing about today so far is someone told me they will show me about studio engineering..im excited about it...thats what i want to do full time..be around music..all day everyday...my coworker needs to bring his ass back to work too...im tired of doing his damn work...lol shout out DCLOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-69229887130859746412009-03-19T20:22:00.000-04:002011-03-10T13:00:32.207-05:00I know I knowHavent been here in a while...i give so much on facebook by time i wanna write something, i done said it already. i'll think of something as i write..let me start off with facebook..its a crazy thing...coworker asked me today am i on fb, i was like yeah, she said will u accept me, with a straight face i said no, she was like why, i tell her i dont mix...she pointed to my absent co-worker's desk and asked is he on there and am i his friend. i said yeah..i said but thats my friend..she was like u aint right, i said at least im honest..she said she respected me for that. i guess..and she walked away i dont like my work peers too much to allow just anybody in my space...my supervisor said today she was tired, i was like take a day, like tomorrow.just make sure u leave what i need from u, told her i didnt need her...she thinks i be kidding, mo fo like me be dead serious..let me throw out some material i've been working on. premise is background singers for gospel artists. ever notice them and how they give so much dramatization in the background i can show u better that i can write, so when u see me next time, tell me to demonstrate. next i'll talk about how i hate hearing people blow their nose..i think that is the most disgusting thing ever, i get the shakes for real..like take that shit outside or in the bathroom. and then u dont go wash ur hands after that shit..yuck.. as u can see i have no damn format of what im writing..people ask me all the time how do i come up with what i say..i tell them i dont know..it just comes to me..it can be triggered by the littlest thing and i can extract what i need. like my coworkers still tuck their shirts in or they still wear finger rolls, or they so cheap the bring waffles from home and heat them up at work, or raw turkey bacon and put it in the toaster oven..i mean who does that? Why do women carry so many bags to work..and why do they have so much personal shit on their desk...and why men always pulling at their groin..or why do folks cut their hair only to put tracks in them, or why women settle, or why some men are content with their women buying everything, or why having multiple baby fathers is still in style, or why u got two cars but no house, or why wearing pajamas pants outside became popular, or why Diddy got two big front teeth..or why Mike from Day 26 has gained his weight back, or how do u tell someone that those tracks are just not right for u, or why homeless people gotta look so damn dirty, or how do u hustle and u hanicap, or how u blind but wanna sit in the front, or how people have big confidence in their looks but no one else does, or why u still have to lay on ur back to fasten ur jeans, or y u think people dont know u gay and u hang with gay people?, or why the catholic church dont have better music, or why they take communion every sunday, or why the jehovah witness hit me up at the Citgo at 7:30am, or why folks get real loud when they drink, or why people dont value me, or why they always think im playing, or why they dont know im honest even while joking, or why i cant be honest for fear of losing a friend, or why if u dont continue being my friend we never were, or why did i just snicker at that, or why u always gotta be up under a nigga, or why u still fucking LYING in 2009, or why did i just vent in the last 4 lines, or why im bout to snap out of it, or why skinny people always say they fat, or im always saying stfu, why we are still sending bills by mail, or why im winding down, cause i cant think no more, maybe i need a drive to get material. im out CAAARRRRYYYYYYYYYYY ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!. or why did i get inspiration from reading this again, or why fat people are darker around the neck area, or why we always sit in the front seat, lls, or why i had to laugh at that, or why i had to get a extender on a plane before, and felt some kind of way about it..lls., or why do my knee hurt so bad when i get off a plane, or why i will never use a plane restroom, or how i would hate to be on my period on a plane going overseas, or why white people wash their hair everyday, or why when u go to other cities u call everyone a bamma, and why they probably calling u one too, or why im winding down again,CAAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY OOOOOOOONNNNNNN!LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-91499762258807695922009-01-25T20:04:00.000-05:002009-01-25T20:11:09.090-05:00Old ShytThis is some old stuff I encountered and wrote about on Myspace..thought i'd share..remember this didn't just happen..<br /><br />I've been going to the doctor for the past couple months to take some tests concerning my health. I went to the doctor on friday for a check up and I got on the scale the assistant was like you lost 2lbs. In my mind I'm like where?...my thumb... I dont see no weight loss...2lbs thats not doing anything for me, tell me twenty or when my belt can go into another hole not no dang 2lbs... thats equivalent of the weight of a corn on someone's toe...Man that was hilarious...Fastforward yesterday I went to take an MRI on my brain...(I'm not crazy) and you have to sit in this seat between these two sensor walls. Let me just say the space was very very very small. So small that there was no wiggle room. The top of my shoulders where sqaured w/ my ears.....All the extra weight( not fat, but extra weight) that I have was shifted to places that coincided with the space I was in. Have you ever taken the air out of some food that was in a ziplock bag and the contents took on the shape of the bag...Thats how I was looking .And I had to sit like this for an hour and a half....pure torture..no movement...my simple tail rested my wrist over this bar where no blood would be flowing thru my hands the entire time, what a dumb move on my part. This the funny part though..the technician was like I'm going to put in a movie for you I'm like ok...So he starts the test and turns on the movie its Roxanne w/ Steve MArtin....So to myself I'm like where's the sound....Steady looking like OK and then it hits me this fool has put the movie on CLOSED CAPTION....Which means I would have to read the movie like I'm deaf I was too thru....I was so mad cause I couldn't go to sleep so I had to watch and read this movie....and it kills me when they put the treble clef by the sentence to let you know its music....I cant hear the beat so it doesn't matter you idiot....I'm out.<br /><br />So yeah yesterday I'm driving home and to my right out the corner of my eye I witness something never seen before. It was a chick standing talking to a friend I assume. OK nothing wrong with that..right its just that she was wearing a white satin prom dress. At 10:30pm...(prom season is over by the way)....OK the dress was knee length...she had on a chafon( correct spelling?) shirt......and in her hand was a drumroll.... a vacuum?!??!?! Exactly..thats what I thought too. Why is she out this late dressed up with a vacuum....whatever.....Ever met someone that has had their tracks in a tad bit too long.. I mean if your tracks start getting dandruff we have a problem.... Yeah so I'm a big girl not for long Why in every group of friends there are two best friends who are total opposite.....one is a big and the other is small and the small one always drives a civic. Just picture that car in your mind very funny right...I know......I'm going to talk about this one cause I've actually done it...gone to the store with my friends...their petite stores....they're shopping...I come out with a bag....so someone asks you "what did you get from "that store" O I bought these earrings" Duh its the only thing I can fit...That was a stupid ?? and stupid ?? get you stupid answers...Its so crazy though cause its like why are you even in the store... just being supportive... o yeah girl that looks good...when i start working out I'm going to get that...AS IF<br /><br />OK so I made this dumb ass bet that I could go a month w/o saying a smart comment to this one person..OK so you say a month aint hard trust me its hard as hell for me. The initial bet was 3 months I would have died. Angie said why dont you just not be a smart ass just becuase..I was like why would I do that there's no incentive in that, so I'll keep being sarcastic. Went to the mall tonight let me say being big is so expensive.. Its a mess.. Mo'nique talking bout big girls on the rise. hell no sit your ass down.. this shit aint cool...breathing all hard always thinking they got a damn nasal problem. how the hell you cant breathe thru your nose. I dont do that but some big girls do... And why the hell plus size stores gotta put the sizes on the bags and the store windows. That damn Ashley Stewart 14-26. If you in that store we know you big, they dont need to broadcast that mess even more. a mess. And that damn Hecths. I've wallked the entire store one day loking for the plus size section only for it to be by the damn kid's clothing. And its never on the main floor always upstairs or downstairs.. Dont isolate like that.. Thas not cute. Can you tolerate a friend who lies to you, even though you know they lie? I know, but I do its crazy though cause I would think we are better than that but whatever...thats was random but it was on my mind...O I know what i forgot I saw this big girl I think she was suppose to have on gouchos, but they looked like hi-waters. Shameful. And if you got a fat ass foot shop at Rockport..stop trying to put that foot in a sandal. it dont work....man i can go on and on but i need to go get on the treadmill.......Pain is endurance....And one more thing if you fat stop getting diet sodas when you eat out obviously that shit aint working.....Pain is endurance..Gotta go...<br /><br />So the red dot on my forehead is slowly but surely fading away. That took a while. I dont have to much to talk about today. Just random funny stuff. Like I saw this mammal( human being) at church...they had a jehri curl shag. Yes I was just as astonished as you. But whatever... then this other mammal had a wig on that looked like it came off the black cabbage patch dolls head. The kinky twist. Hey when did they start making padded underwire TRAINING BRAS....TRAININGS BRAS DONT NEED UNDERWIRE... thats a mess....me and the girls were at burlingtons one day and they had a leopard design training bra and panty set. not leopard training bra. that design should be more for the grown and sexy rather than the young and dumb. then yesterday went to walmart...karima was like stef where is the clearance rack. I said the whole damn store is a clearance rack. I hate that store... too many damn people. always looking for a bargain.. hell a bottled soda is $.50..how much more of sale do u want. and they got the nerve to check your bag on the way out....aah i hate that store.....what am i stealing? a CLEAN version of Late Registration o my bad they dont sell the uncut version... AH i hate that store. It so cluddered always.....Now Target thats the ISH for real. thats the spot....Let me talk about footlocker now. took my grandfather there over the weekend to get some shoes...why do they always have two rows of the same shoe trying to fill the store up.....and the only shoes on sale for 2 for $89 are new balance.. Another damn thing if you wear a size 12 and up(women) dont buy shoes out of Payless. Go get yourself a good shoe. Thats probably why your feet messed up now. Those shoes are huge. My grandmother went in there to get a size 11 bless her heart i hate that store too. She was really pushing it. OK thats it for now. Can I just Anita Baker has hits for dayz. I love her.<br /><br />So I was riding home from work yesterday and I saw a Toyota Camry. Toyota is the maker of Lexus by the way....keep that in mind for this story....So i'm looking at the plates you'd never believe what they said....drumrolllllllllllllll............ LILEXUS. Are you kidding me?!?!?! A toyota Camry is a LILEXUS.....hell to the naw.....Camry isn't even the top of the line for Toyota its the Avalon. This dude had too much confidence in his Camry I think.....I thought this was soooooooo funny. You know my humor is left field anyways but come on now. Well that was my laugh for yesterday...........<br /><br />So I went to get something to eat the other day...And I saw a Suburban...Now this doesn't top my Lilexus but it was funny enough to warrant a comment...It said FATPIMP... HAHAHA. Hey that was hilarious. This guy wasn't even doing it big. Some people got to much confidence that is borderline conceit/ cockiness. I digress..LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-74064557971257312702009-01-24T21:14:00.001-05:002009-01-24T21:19:16.081-05:00FoolishnessJust some dumb azz videos I thought spoke to what i find humorous..maybe u dont..o well beat it..literally and figuratively!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aktLRiWXfqg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aktLRiWXfqg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WWYNlCiHoOA&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WWYNlCiHoOA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5763765012970369097.post-24857409734935175412009-01-24T19:47:00.000-05:002011-03-08T10:52:09.838-05:00WelcomeEvening friends and foes....Its official......I thank you in advance for coming thru..tell ya friends..the more laughs the better..My only goal is to express myself the only way i know how....by making u laugh....i dont mean to directly insult anyone..if its hits to close to home, MOVE!!!...This is all about me and my observations that i encounter everyday...so sit back relax..spread the word...its bout to get off the chain..i may curse occasionally so if u real religious u may wanna find another venue...aint nothing like that going down in these parts...LOOKAHEREBENCHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09938326590388452103noreply@blogger.com1