What a difference a Day Makes

So I turned 30 last year and I went through that phase of am I gonna do what I want or live the conventional life..I've known since high school what my desire was however....March 7, 2011 was the day i put it in motion. No turning back....I had been playing Avery Sunshine's cd nonstop just listening to the lyrics and the music and it brought me to tears. The song Need You Now, in particular, is my theme song for life. I just kept listening and applying it to my life. Tears flowed...happy tears cause I finally got it..I wasn't gonna pussyfoot any longer. I'm inspired...she inspired me...that's what music does...I went home and pulled my keyboard out and started playing by ear and came up with a stupid melody, but the fact that I know nothing but which key is what and was able to make that much meant so much to me...Today I started looking for sketch writing courses...FOUND ONE...MUSIC AND COMEDY...MY LIFE...My life has really just begun and I owe it all to GOD and that damn Avery Sunshine cd.lol...I'm so high off life right now nobody can bring me down. *now to go dust off those papers of jokes I've written down over the years....

Knew it was coming

I knew it would happen..I said it at my grandmother's funeral..."keep my grandfather in your prayers"...if my grandmother's death would be hard on anyone, it would be him. She was all he knew and the only person that could put up with him. Its been about two years since she passed, and my grandfather had been doing good living on his own. In the past past year he started falling out of his wheelchair. he wasn't paralyzed, but previous circumstances confined him to that wheelchair. The episodes starting becoming too frequent and one day he went to the hospital and never returned to his home. He is a stubborn, bitter, mean old man, but he's my grandfather. Catch him on a good day and he's nice, but he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed alot. He is a man who thinks he knows more than the professionals, so when they attempted to help him he said no. Something basic as drawing blood, he said no. He didn't want no help, he just wants to go home. Not this time. He'd gotten a diagnosis during the one time he allowed the doctors to do his job. It was something that could be maintained with medicine, he said no. Don't give him nothing. No procedures, no new medicine...whatever was going on in his body, so be it. He was gonna live and not be assisted in doing so. Stubborn old man. Its been extremely difficult to visit him in the rehab/long term facility. He blames his children for putting him there, even though he can't take care of himself anymore. In his mind he believes he can. So when you visit him, you never know what you're gonna get. There are times you can say hi and he will railroad you with allegations. I'll never forget the one day I went and he cursed me out so bad. ME, the one that would do anything for him even though he gets on my last nerve. I told him i wasn't going to see him anymore and left. Me leaving is a common thing because he moods change fast. It hurt though. Because I know he's angry at being there I went back 3 weeks later, and he apologized. I said grandda I dont pay you no mind. He was truly relieved because he didnt mean it. One thing about him is he has his mind with alot of things, but sometimes his anger gets the best of him and he talks crazy.Today I visited him and my uncles happened to be there too. I could tell as soon as i walked in the room that the visit wasn't pleasant. i handed him the cell phone, stayed and listened as he talked crazy and then left. I got in my car and left. I can't stand to see him so bitter and angry because he's in the best place for him, though he doesnt agree. He says people tell him he's ok and there is no reason for him to be there, but these people don't know his story. He looks good on the outside, but he's just not able. He's told me many times, he wants to see his wife, and i know he does. he's just biding his time because he's tired. I dont want him to be miserable and clearly he is.

the morning after

a couple days have passed since i wrote my last blog and i can truly say it helped me. i hold so much in that when it comes out, its intense..i think talking about ur feelings leaves u vulnerable. i dont wanna be that way. i've read that blog maybe twice and every time i tear up...i cant do it. im thankful for the encouragement i received about it though. it helps...this is going to be an on going process for me. i just pray i can get through it.

my heart

i dont think ill ever be transparent as im about to be, but i have to get this out b/c my mental state is at risk...my grandmother meant the absolute world to me literally. she had gone to the hospital the day b4 because she wasnt getting a reading on her line for dialysis so they decided to keep her.my aunt said she was being her normal nosy self but things changed the night into the mornning.ill never forget the day 12/11/08 at about 3 or 4am. i wake up out of my sleep to see a missed called from my mom...grandma had a mild heart attack...my mom said not to worry, she knew i was coming though. she said stefany dont drive fast...i always came...if grandma was in the hospital for a day and i had not been up there yet, she'd ask where is stefany cause she knew i'd be coming. as she always said im her right hand man i loved being her favorite and my cousins knew i was...i dont know what it was...but for as long as i can remember i was always with my grandmother. older women in the church were always saying are u the baby that was in the basket. i'd say yes. Grandma carried me in a basket when i was a baby and apparently everyone thought that was so cute. ........but she was my #1 so i get to the hospital and she is breathing on her own but the doctors want to put her on a breathing machine..me i just want her to be better...see grandma had episodes b4..she'd always have me looking for alternatives to dialysis...she hated it..but i always told her if u wanna be here u have to go...cause i want u here...she'd say stefany when the Lord takes me i'll be ok...clearly i didnt want to hear that...or the time when she cut the dailysis tube to her neck and started bleeding...she said she was itching and thought she could cut it...i think she was tired then..but i didnt want to believe it..everytime she went to the hospital it was hard for me cause i knew she was sick but i dreaded the day my beloved grandmother would leave me...so later that morning she goes in for the procedure to insert the breathing tube and we play the waiting game...she's hooked up to dialysis to try to get the fluid off of her. so we wait.. and lord knows i dont wanna leave...i hold her hand, rub her forehead, talk to her to let her know im here..i tell her to open her eyes thats all i wanted was to see her and she see me... we wait all day long...i cry my heart out cause my favorite person is lying on this bed and i can do nothing..she was a fighter..friday comes no change..im emotionally drained but the doctor said he was seeing signs they wanted to try an alternative procedure to see if it worked on saturday..they said if this didnt work basically they'd be keeping her alive for us. so one by one my family came in to say there goodbyes cause they knew..my grandfather came in to tell my grandmother that he had been to the doctor like she told him. the same day he went to the doctor would be the same day she went to the hospital. to see my grandfather's face is something i never want to see again..here he's looking at this person who he's know since age 15. 60 yrs of being together..heartbreaking...ur never ready to hear that...so sunday comes and the doctors meet w/ my family. they say we've done all we could do... my mother says grandma wouldnt want to be hooked up to a machine..im instantly crying...then my uncle ditto'd what my mom said..then my grandfather said remove the breathing tube....i go back to my grandmother's side as i see the lady remove the tube for my grandmother..i sit with her holding her hand..feeling the warmth of her hand..i'll never forget the feeling..just wanting her to open her eyes..thats all i wanted..she didnt..her breathes were long and hard...heard someone say thats how u know someone is dying...i continue to sit. torture myself b/c i dont want to move...im looking at my grandmother and i hear a sound..i look up and my uncle's wife says she's gone...then i see the nurse come in and turn the machine off...just like that my world ended..just like that..death the one thing i hate, am afraid of happened in front of my eyes to my favorite person in the world...i was lost..i cried and cried..i dont ever want to feel that again...how and why didnt i self-destruct i dont know..but it hurt..hurt bad..came back to my aunts house and cried my eyes out..everyone said she wouldnt want me mourning over her like that...that she loved me and they knew that by how we interacted.it was nice that someone knew that but i didnt want to hear that...she was everything to me..i loved our time together...she'd do anything for me..give me her last 5, cook anything i asked her to, call only me to take her to the store...that was gone....half my heart was gone...so the week went past i cried every night just wanting to see her face, hear her voice one more time...i decide to go view her body b4 the funeral just to get that out my system. it helped a little but by time the funeral came i was no good. i didnt care to see her in a casket...i miss her...over the past few months i've had vivid thoughts of her...like i want to be with her literally...thats how bad i want to be w/ my grandmother again. these are strong feelings...going to my grandfather's house does something to me...we will talk sometimes about we both miss her..i asked him did she know i loved er so much..he said yes emphatically..he said stefany she loved when u would take her to the store and not be impatient with her. b4 i came i'd always tell her to be ready, and everytime i came she wasnt. but i wouldnt rush her...i knew she didnt move as fast but i also knew she loved going to the store...i'd get the motorized scooter for her to shop for herself and she'd have a ball..he said she always talked about that and how much she appreciated it..she'd call me to and tell me that...i'd always say i didnt mind..i loved doing it..even though they only always called me.i'd give anything to have that back....some days are good some a really bad..i have bad thoughts..its just that i dont wanna be here if she isnt..writing this helps but it doesnt solve the problem of this hole in my heart that im not sure will ever heal. i think im going crazy sometimes to have thoughts like this b/c i know she wouldnt want this but i'd never have someone so close to me die b4..i luved her more than my own mother..and deaths scares the hell out of me..i hate it..i dont think i can go thru again i may just snap...i just miss her so much and everyone mourns different..obviously im not good w/ it..it pains me to see people w/ their grandmother..cause i wish mine was still here...i think my love for the elderly came from my grandmother...i thank her for that...but it hurts none the less...we live to die...thats a hell of a concept which i havent seemed to grasp...i just wish she was here..i really really miss her

dog

ok so my prayers were answered..glad he's back...anyhow met my folks down the park...wanted to personally ask me to support her journey to Africa but coming to her party this weekend and to say she was exercising...she was like i sent that email..i was like oh yeah i deleted that...lol..she knew i did...anyhow..we walk around the park to end up at the car watching this guy talk to his dog like a human...its a puppy, bull mastiff, i believe he said...but he's talking to this dog like its a toddler..told the dog if u move im a beat ur ass, huh?, dog dont know what that mean...then he proceeded to cradle the dog like a baby and wipe the paws, mind u steady talking to the dog like it a human..he wraps the dog's feet in a towel and now im like sick to my stomach..im ready to call SPCA on his ass...u dont have compassion for dogs until u are a dog owner...he was really frustrating me..so he wraps the dog up an places her in the car steady telling her he would beat her ass..when he finishes he turns to us and say do we want a dog?...huh...we proceeded to ask him why they hell was he treating the dog bad..he said she stubborn and spoiled..i said u did that..he said i know and now i have to break her out of it...dumb we left..

Me

im as complex a person as they come...today did something i usually dont do and told a person how i was feeling about them..may seem easy to u, very difficult for me. im not a talker...hate confrontation, it angers me...but i did and now i feel different, dont know whether good or bad...but im glad i said what i said...i internalize so much that when im ready to speak on it..so much time has passed..its because it takes alot to get me mad/frustrated..me talking about my feelings has drained me today.folk tell me to journal i dont like journals cause they are deadly..yeah its about writing down your personal thoughts, but this is about as personal as i will get. no one gets all of me....i have absolutely nothing funny to say and i hate feeling like that...i like making folk laugh. its what brings joy to me....i gave up facebook for the rest of the week..just dont feel like being on it..i wanna devote more time to my blog...this sappy shit is blowing me too..my mind locks down every once in a while to allow serious tones to intervene, i guess this is one of those days...the only good thing about today so far is someone told me they will show me about studio engineering..im excited about it...thats what i want to do full time..be around music..all day everyday...my coworker needs to bring his ass back to work too...im tired of doing his damn work...lol shout out DC

I know I know

Havent been here in a while...i give so much on facebook by time i wanna write something, i done said it already. i'll think of something as i write..let me start off with facebook..its a crazy thing...coworker asked me today am i on fb, i was like yeah, she said will u accept me, with a straight face i said no, she was like why, i tell her i dont mix...she pointed to my absent co-worker's desk and asked is he on there and am i his friend. i said yeah..i said but thats my friend..she was like u aint right, i said at least im honest..she said she respected me for that. i guess..and she walked away i dont like my work peers too much to allow just anybody in my space...my supervisor said today she was tired, i was like take a day, like tomorrow.just make sure u leave what i need from u, told her i didnt need her...she thinks i be kidding, mo fo like me be dead serious..let me throw out some material i've been working on. premise is background singers for gospel artists. ever notice them and how they give so much dramatization in the background i can show u better that i can write, so when u see me next time, tell me to demonstrate. next i'll talk about how i hate hearing people blow their nose..i think that is the most disgusting thing ever, i get the shakes for real..like take that shit outside or in the bathroom. and then u dont go wash ur hands after that shit..yuck.. as u can see i have no damn format of what im writing..people ask me all the time how do i come up with what i say..i tell them i dont know..it just comes to me..it can be triggered by the littlest thing and i can extract what i need. like my coworkers still tuck their shirts in or they still wear finger rolls, or they so cheap the bring waffles from home and heat them up at work, or raw turkey bacon and put it in the toaster oven..i mean who does that? Why do women carry so many bags to work..and why do they have so much personal shit on their desk...and why men always pulling at their groin..or why do folks cut their hair only to put tracks in them, or why women settle, or why some men are content with their women buying everything, or why having multiple baby fathers is still in style, or why u got two cars but no house, or why wearing pajamas pants outside became popular, or why Diddy got two big front teeth..or why Mike from Day 26 has gained his weight back, or how do u tell someone that those tracks are just not right for u, or why homeless people gotta look so damn dirty, or how do u hustle and u hanicap, or how u blind but wanna sit in the front, or how people have big confidence in their looks but no one else does, or why u still have to lay on ur back to fasten ur jeans, or y u think people dont know u gay and u hang with gay people?, or why the catholic church dont have better music, or why they take communion every sunday, or why the jehovah witness hit me up at the Citgo at 7:30am, or why folks get real loud when they drink, or why people dont value me, or why they always think im playing, or why they dont know im honest even while joking, or why i cant be honest for fear of losing a friend, or why if u dont continue being my friend we never were, or why did i just snicker at that, or why u always gotta be up under a nigga, or why u still fucking LYING in 2009, or why did i just vent in the last 4 lines, or why im bout to snap out of it, or why skinny people always say they fat, or im always saying stfu, why we are still sending bills by mail, or why im winding down, cause i cant think no more, maybe i need a drive to get material. im out CAAARRRRYYYYYYYYYYY ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!. or why did i get inspiration from reading this again, or why fat people are darker around the neck area, or why we always sit in the front seat, lls, or why i had to laugh at that, or why i had to get a extender on a plane before, and felt some kind of way about it..lls., or why do my knee hurt so bad when i get off a plane, or why i will never use a plane restroom, or how i would hate to be on my period on a plane going overseas, or why white people wash their hair everyday, or why when u go to other cities u call everyone a bamma, and why they probably calling u one too, or why im winding down again,CAAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY OOOOOOOONNNNNNN!