Hardheaded

ok so i can tell you right now even though this is serious Its probably gonna turn into a damn joke once i finish...so i had been experiencing headaches for a while last yr...I'd get them like for 3-4 days straight at a time and the only thing that would save me was sleep. Medicine didn't help me at all and the pain was so much I just went to sleep...so i prolonged going to the doctor b/c no one wants to hear any bad news from the doctor..finally went to see my neurologist, Dr. Majlessi..yes i have a neurologist b/c i started having anxiety attacks a few yrs ago and didn't know what it was...anyways he recommends a ophthalmologist to check my eyes because he saw increased pressure in my pupils. i go see Dr Kolsky..take a bevy of exams...w/ one including a spinal tap(google it)..now I'm not afraid of anything for the most part...but having to undress in front of male nurses is not my cup of tea and i did not have my cutest panties on and i had to take my bra off and these jugs where not on their best behavior for this procedure that required me on my stomach so they could stick a needle in my back...lol..i was on that gurney laughing all too hard at myself for that blunder..lol so back to all these tests...i had eye exams, spinals tap, more eye exams...1 eye exam was so bad they put a dye in my arm and i swear in 30secs i felt as though i was about to vomit...i had my pupils dilated more in the past yr than i did in my life.. so take all these tests..come back for my follow up and Dr. Kolsky confirms what that Dr. Majlessi says he thought I had...Pseudotumor(google it)

Now just like anyone who hears tumor anything you get nervous b/c tumors are serious...so i do my good research online and come to find out it aint really a tumor but its just a way to scare me to lose weight..lol...but then i saw " vision loss" and got scared all over again...like i wanna lose weight but damn it dont press me out about it...so Dr. Kolsky says you need to lose some weight, cut out red meat, sugar, sweets, and beverages with sugar...now when he said that i had an attitude cause i love to drink. so i asked him what are the odds of me going blind...he said you need to lose weight so i took that as a sign...Let me tell you...
life for me aint been no crystal stairIt's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So girl, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair......lmao

I think I had a drink right after I left the doctors just out of spite...I did stop drinking though for a second and when I went places where there was liquor my friends were like why aren't drinking stef and I'd say I'm not drinking not really getting into the reasons PEER PRESSURE IS REAL LOL..i tortured myself once and went and sat at a bar w/ my friends and had juice...I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN...but fast forward...I'm really conscious of what I eat now...and i try to keep my drinks to a maximum of 2...I've cut red meat all together(not that I ever ate alot it), no bread...and my next is to eliminate fried foods completely...that juice thing is gonna be a challenge cause i dont like water...I write this blog 2 days after i was totally tipsy at the bar...I repent every time i drink...I'm gonna wise up one day..lol..but pray for me and my hardhead...cause a hard head makes a soft ass....

1 month

Well yesterday culminated a month of me putting the gears in motion for my dreams to come true...I can truly say progress has been made. I've become so focused in the past month by just eliminating things and people that were getting in my head. I can see cleary now the rain is gone..lol..been getting alot of comedic ideas...writing, writing, and writing.....sought out the expertise of some well respected people who have poured into me knowledge that I'm soaking up. I thank them for that. March could have easily been my demise but it didn't shake my belief. I think I'm stronger for it. God is still good and I thank Him everyday for just being faithful to me. Its rather funny that when I started this blog I said I wouldn't be doing alot of religious stuff on here, but look how God has His own plan. lol He's amazing...So I keep shining, pressing forward determined to be where I'm suppose to be. This is only the beginning...

A Day in the Life

So I went to Trader Joe's w/ a friend of mine the other day. I had never been in that store before and there were food products and brands that I didn't know existed. So I'm walking the store kind of fascinated at everything I'm seeing...So we finish shopping and get to the counter...This man rings a damn bell..not just any bell but like a bell to come eat like we were back on the planation...I was highly offended..lol...I mean I thought we left slavery alone and that bell just took me back..lol...you know I long for the day I can go through that machine at work(through that wheel thing that turn at the hips) w/o turning my body sideways..lol...I'm getting there...I think its discrimination to folk with big butts and hips and big everything else...it aint right...I've always wondered what do women w/ big breasts do on rollercoasters when the harness has to come across the body...that hurts...hate being pushed in like that..lol..I wonder do skinny folk get mad they always gotta sit in the middle in the back of a car and the other 2 folk are not skinny...and then the driver will say is everyone good back there..only the skinny person responds and says "I am" lol...shut up...lol...plus size clothes cost....why? more fabric more money..lol..I want to talk about my dental experience yesterday..I'm by no means afraid of the dentist, but there are so many things that go wrong there...like when they are drilling, say to replace a filling, and that stuff gets on your tongue and you accidentally swallow...its digusting..or when the dentist w/ gloves on still have smelly fingers..lol..I can hardly talk about the dentist because the wording I'd use would invoke a *pause* automatically...words like swallow, tongue, open wide...I could go on but I'll stop..lol...when i catch the train home somedays I wonder how do the guys feel when the train is crowded and they have to stand face to face...do they look at each other? do they both put their heads down...lol such an uncomfortable moment. and shout out to the dudes selling those oils on the train..they really push product..give u samples and everything all while riding home....OMG there is a lady that stands on the corner and asks for money daily and she uses those special crutches that form a circle around your arm..well i think she has problems standing or walking but nonetheless she stands in the street asking for money..the other day i saw her in a different spot, this time in a wheelchair..ma'am which one is it going to be...lol...for those that go to church do you have that minister that doesn't get to shine on the mic alot and when they do get a chance they act a fool? i don't like to get started on church cause I won't stop....I was doing sound one day and these visitors were sitting upstairs in the balcony and came into the soundroom and say can you cut them down..ma'am I don't cater sound to you.this sound stays the same every week..lol...folks are so funny.

Music

I've been listening to alot of music lately....
Avery*Sunshine(inspired my rebirth),
KING(just amazing),
Lalah Hathaway and w/ Kirk Whalum(no words),
Timothy Bloom(diggin him),
Marsha Ambrosius
I'm really into instrumentation and Horn arrangements make my day.....I can play instruments in my head...lol and I until I get this piano situation under control thats where it will be..lol

OMG Kindred You Got Love.....the horns are so great.....I am a disciple of Kindred....

Just Typing

I decided to change up my background to reflect who I am....the comedy mask and boombox...humor and music....my 2 loves..I have so many comedic ideas in my head I'm having a hard time trying to write them down...if there is anything that comes easy to me....its funny situations, but formulating them on paper has proven to be a task. I'm more of an improvisational type person where I feed off of the moment and can just go in on a subject. Nevertheless I'm attempting to write them down. A friend mentioned I should do video blogs and that's cool but I think the camera would just have to be rolling and catch me in the act versus me preparing some script.....As for the music part...I've written like 5 songs, of which none are finished...I'm gonna continue at that..my friend told me just to keep writing and as you write you get better. I continue to be happy...and I honestly haven't worried about anything since March 7th...I should get that tattooed on my arm.....REBIRTH 3/7/11...i digress...though my threshold for pain is pretty high.....I've always wondered what if I got a tattoo and didn't like it? I'd look like a fool..plus I'm light....you'd see it...clearly....

Bye Now......

PS ADULTS should never say BYE BYE to another adult.....lol

Still Basking

March 2011 has been the greatest personally and the worst in terms of my family members going on to heaven. As I type my heart is heavy at the news of my cousin passing this AM after a lengthy illness. After my grandfather passed I was telling my cousin she needed to go visit her grandfather even in his sick state becuase you just never know the day nor hour. When she hit me this morning to tell me about her grandfather's passing she indicated she went to see him yesterday. What a relief! Nothing worse than feeling that pain of the " i didn't get to see them before they passed" RIP Maurice Coles

On the flip side...I've been practicing on the piano...relearning the keys...the basics before I start back up my lessons. I've put pen to paper to about 5 songs....writing jokes....writing stuff for my roast. I feel I've become disconnected from my friends a little bit. In the grand scheme of things I need to focus if I want to achieve my goal....I can get sidetracked fast....I'm so happy right now in spite of death and this boring job i have...lol...but I still thank God....

Happy Tears

So as I wrote my blog earlier yesterday I was in such a great place in life. Then before I could put head to pillow....my grandfather, LOUIS CLARK passes away.....After work I went with my mother and aunts to see my grandfather in the nursing home b/c my aunt received a call monday night saying he was in pain and they were going to give him morphine. I went to visit him on Sunday and as I think now...it was a different sleep. Usually when I woke him up he'd get right up, this time he was really groggy...He'd open his eyes, but never really responded to me. So when we went back on tuesday night he was on oxygen and really irritated. He was acting the same way my grandmother had done in her final moments. I knew he wasn't gonna make it. We had prayer around him, and left thinking he'd be ok after the morphine. Not 2 hours after we got home, the phone rang....he had passed away.....In between that time my two cousins had called me about going to see him, I didn't say no but we hesitated...that hesitation haunted them. they were distraught, but for me it was a blessing. I sat with my grandmother as she turned cold and I couldn't take sitting thru another death. I cried, because death is hard. I rejoiced because he was finally at peace...with his wife who he had sorely missed...I can't cry right now....still in shock a bit.....but my grandparents are together again and that brings me joy....RIP Grandda....