That Urge Again

I've done it before...and I said I wouldn't do it it again w/o thinking first, but its tugging at me bad. I don't know if its my frustration w/ one situation or my dream pulling me in another direction....Its strong though. This time wouldn't be like last time where I did it based on principle...this time it would be simply for me to stop being scared to just live. Failure is in not trying. I say that all the time. So many thoughts cross my mind...will they get me, will they laugh, will my pride be hurt, will I win...Well, Stefany you won't know unless you try...Im trying to subside this urge to quit my job cause I feel its taking time away from me doing what I'm called to do.....pray with and for me...

Best Birthday Ever

I have to say this has been the best birthday I've ever had. I'm normally not that hung up on my day cause I could care less, but for some reason this year was different. Started the week off having dinner w/ some of my good friends and one of my favorite people at Oceannaire. Dinner was absolutely great. Good food, folks, and fun. Wed May 18th my actual day I went to work for half day came home took a nap and then proceeded to Uniontown for more food, folks, and fun. I was truly thankful for everyone who showed up to celebrate with me and show me love on my day. I even had my cousins come out for me....Thursday was best though. The moment I found out Avery Sunshine was at Blues Alley I purchased tickets. What better way to spend my birthday than with this awesome spirit. She got her baileys and when I went up to get a cd signed she said where is the "hat"? lol My friends showed out for me at the show and the after show events were even better..Had a great time w/ those 2 friends...lol Friday was a chill day even though I did hit a bar, I ended up in the house rather early. Saturday I had a slight cookout w/ friends that got a lil out of hand but ended up being a wonderful night thanks to my bro who hooked us up at Stadium...funny funny funny...Sunday..church..the kickball w/ the girls...action packed week....and now I pay for it.....

Humbled

I am truly humbled.....I haven't shared all of what I've been doing with a lot of people, but when asked I'll share it with you. My desire in life is to just make you laugh. A comedian...comedic writer...anything that involves laughter is my passion. I recently found a high school friend on facebook and we were just catching up and I told her what I was doing and just following my dreams...She asked what were those dreams..I said comedy of course...She said I was hoping you'd say that...I wanted to cry...She said you've been funny since high school...wow...I knew i was a class clown but never did i think my friends had that expectation of comedy for me. She wasn't the only one to tell me that. There have been many others to say the same thing and it lets me know that what I'm working for is going to happen. My nerves are shot though...I've never HAD to be funny...I just was...no arrogance behind that...its just that I'm able to find humor in everything...but never have I had to on purpose make you laugh, I do it purposely on accident if that makes sense. If these butterflies I feel are any indication that I'm on the right track...butterflies it is...I cannot explain the drive I have right now....I mean I'm waking up out of my sleep with jokes...stuff I find funny that I want to talk about.....Its funny how I want to do this comedy thing but I loathe being the center of attention...I get nervous....It's gonna happen though....I just thank my friends who are encouraging me to do it....to know that they believe in this gift that God gave me...I don't take it for granted...I am truly humbled...

I type all of this as I listen to Avery*Sunshine....this lady's music is the #1 reason why I stopped sitting on my hands and started being serious about this thing

Caseofthe30s

ahhhhh 30...that number scared the crap out of me as I started to approach it. I was feeling uneasy, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. I hadn't done anything with my life, in my eyes anyways. Yes I went to school, graduated but that was normal to me because mostly everyone I was around had done the same thing. So when I finally turned 30, the actual day I was in LA vacationing. I woke up excited to say I was 30. I was in another age bracket. I embraced it. 30 has been good to me. I've felt the change and shift in my personality and how I deal with people. I honestly don't care. Its something my friend Keia and I call the caseofthe30s. 30 is a wonderful age because this is when you start to live. The 20s served their purpose, to rid me of all the immaturity I had and to serve as the springboard into the next phase of my life. I'm quite happy to be 30 and even more happy to be turning 31 in a 2 weeks. Now not say I'm where I want to be, cause there are a few things I still need to get together, but I'm not doormant any longer. I'm making strides...I'm not just talking the talk but I'm walking the walk. caseofthe30s

Hardheaded

ok so i can tell you right now even though this is serious Its probably gonna turn into a damn joke once i finish...so i had been experiencing headaches for a while last yr...I'd get them like for 3-4 days straight at a time and the only thing that would save me was sleep. Medicine didn't help me at all and the pain was so much I just went to sleep...so i prolonged going to the doctor b/c no one wants to hear any bad news from the doctor..finally went to see my neurologist, Dr. Majlessi..yes i have a neurologist b/c i started having anxiety attacks a few yrs ago and didn't know what it was...anyways he recommends a ophthalmologist to check my eyes because he saw increased pressure in my pupils. i go see Dr Kolsky..take a bevy of exams...w/ one including a spinal tap(google it)..now I'm not afraid of anything for the most part...but having to undress in front of male nurses is not my cup of tea and i did not have my cutest panties on and i had to take my bra off and these jugs where not on their best behavior for this procedure that required me on my stomach so they could stick a needle in my back...lol..i was on that gurney laughing all too hard at myself for that blunder..lol so back to all these tests...i had eye exams, spinals tap, more eye exams...1 eye exam was so bad they put a dye in my arm and i swear in 30secs i felt as though i was about to vomit...i had my pupils dilated more in the past yr than i did in my life.. so take all these tests..come back for my follow up and Dr. Kolsky confirms what that Dr. Majlessi says he thought I had...Pseudotumor(google it)

Now just like anyone who hears tumor anything you get nervous b/c tumors are serious...so i do my good research online and come to find out it aint really a tumor but its just a way to scare me to lose weight..lol...but then i saw " vision loss" and got scared all over again...like i wanna lose weight but damn it dont press me out about it...so Dr. Kolsky says you need to lose some weight, cut out red meat, sugar, sweets, and beverages with sugar...now when he said that i had an attitude cause i love to drink. so i asked him what are the odds of me going blind...he said you need to lose weight so i took that as a sign...Let me tell you...
life for me aint been no crystal stairIt's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So girl, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair......lmao

I think I had a drink right after I left the doctors just out of spite...I did stop drinking though for a second and when I went places where there was liquor my friends were like why aren't drinking stef and I'd say I'm not drinking not really getting into the reasons PEER PRESSURE IS REAL LOL..i tortured myself once and went and sat at a bar w/ my friends and had juice...I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN...but fast forward...I'm really conscious of what I eat now...and i try to keep my drinks to a maximum of 2...I've cut red meat all together(not that I ever ate alot it), no bread...and my next is to eliminate fried foods completely...that juice thing is gonna be a challenge cause i dont like water...I write this blog 2 days after i was totally tipsy at the bar...I repent every time i drink...I'm gonna wise up one day..lol..but pray for me and my hardhead...cause a hard head makes a soft ass....

1 month

Well yesterday culminated a month of me putting the gears in motion for my dreams to come true...I can truly say progress has been made. I've become so focused in the past month by just eliminating things and people that were getting in my head. I can see cleary now the rain is gone..lol..been getting alot of comedic ideas...writing, writing, and writing.....sought out the expertise of some well respected people who have poured into me knowledge that I'm soaking up. I thank them for that. March could have easily been my demise but it didn't shake my belief. I think I'm stronger for it. God is still good and I thank Him everyday for just being faithful to me. Its rather funny that when I started this blog I said I wouldn't be doing alot of religious stuff on here, but look how God has His own plan. lol He's amazing...So I keep shining, pressing forward determined to be where I'm suppose to be. This is only the beginning...

A Day in the Life

So I went to Trader Joe's w/ a friend of mine the other day. I had never been in that store before and there were food products and brands that I didn't know existed. So I'm walking the store kind of fascinated at everything I'm seeing...So we finish shopping and get to the counter...This man rings a damn bell..not just any bell but like a bell to come eat like we were back on the planation...I was highly offended..lol...I mean I thought we left slavery alone and that bell just took me back..lol...you know I long for the day I can go through that machine at work(through that wheel thing that turn at the hips) w/o turning my body sideways..lol...I'm getting there...I think its discrimination to folk with big butts and hips and big everything else...it aint right...I've always wondered what do women w/ big breasts do on rollercoasters when the harness has to come across the body...that hurts...hate being pushed in like that..lol..I wonder do skinny folk get mad they always gotta sit in the middle in the back of a car and the other 2 folk are not skinny...and then the driver will say is everyone good back there..only the skinny person responds and says "I am" lol...shut up...lol...plus size clothes cost....why? more fabric more money..lol..I want to talk about my dental experience yesterday..I'm by no means afraid of the dentist, but there are so many things that go wrong there...like when they are drilling, say to replace a filling, and that stuff gets on your tongue and you accidentally swallow...its digusting..or when the dentist w/ gloves on still have smelly fingers..lol..I can hardly talk about the dentist because the wording I'd use would invoke a *pause* automatically...words like swallow, tongue, open wide...I could go on but I'll stop..lol...when i catch the train home somedays I wonder how do the guys feel when the train is crowded and they have to stand face to face...do they look at each other? do they both put their heads down...lol such an uncomfortable moment. and shout out to the dudes selling those oils on the train..they really push product..give u samples and everything all while riding home....OMG there is a lady that stands on the corner and asks for money daily and she uses those special crutches that form a circle around your arm..well i think she has problems standing or walking but nonetheless she stands in the street asking for money..the other day i saw her in a different spot, this time in a wheelchair..ma'am which one is it going to be...lol...for those that go to church do you have that minister that doesn't get to shine on the mic alot and when they do get a chance they act a fool? i don't like to get started on church cause I won't stop....I was doing sound one day and these visitors were sitting upstairs in the balcony and came into the soundroom and say can you cut them down..ma'am I don't cater sound to you.this sound stays the same every week..lol...folks are so funny.

Music

I've been listening to alot of music lately....
Avery*Sunshine(inspired my rebirth),
KING(just amazing),
Lalah Hathaway and w/ Kirk Whalum(no words),
Timothy Bloom(diggin him),
Marsha Ambrosius
I'm really into instrumentation and Horn arrangements make my day.....I can play instruments in my head...lol and I until I get this piano situation under control thats where it will be..lol

OMG Kindred You Got Love.....the horns are so great.....I am a disciple of Kindred....

Just Typing

I decided to change up my background to reflect who I am....the comedy mask and boombox...humor and music....my 2 loves..I have so many comedic ideas in my head I'm having a hard time trying to write them down...if there is anything that comes easy to me....its funny situations, but formulating them on paper has proven to be a task. I'm more of an improvisational type person where I feed off of the moment and can just go in on a subject. Nevertheless I'm attempting to write them down. A friend mentioned I should do video blogs and that's cool but I think the camera would just have to be rolling and catch me in the act versus me preparing some script.....As for the music part...I've written like 5 songs, of which none are finished...I'm gonna continue at that..my friend told me just to keep writing and as you write you get better. I continue to be happy...and I honestly haven't worried about anything since March 7th...I should get that tattooed on my arm.....REBIRTH 3/7/11...i digress...though my threshold for pain is pretty high.....I've always wondered what if I got a tattoo and didn't like it? I'd look like a fool..plus I'm light....you'd see it...clearly....

Bye Now......

PS ADULTS should never say BYE BYE to another adult.....lol

Still Basking

March 2011 has been the greatest personally and the worst in terms of my family members going on to heaven. As I type my heart is heavy at the news of my cousin passing this AM after a lengthy illness. After my grandfather passed I was telling my cousin she needed to go visit her grandfather even in his sick state becuase you just never know the day nor hour. When she hit me this morning to tell me about her grandfather's passing she indicated she went to see him yesterday. What a relief! Nothing worse than feeling that pain of the " i didn't get to see them before they passed" RIP Maurice Coles

On the flip side...I've been practicing on the piano...relearning the keys...the basics before I start back up my lessons. I've put pen to paper to about 5 songs....writing jokes....writing stuff for my roast. I feel I've become disconnected from my friends a little bit. In the grand scheme of things I need to focus if I want to achieve my goal....I can get sidetracked fast....I'm so happy right now in spite of death and this boring job i have...lol...but I still thank God....

Happy Tears

So as I wrote my blog earlier yesterday I was in such a great place in life. Then before I could put head to pillow....my grandfather, LOUIS CLARK passes away.....After work I went with my mother and aunts to see my grandfather in the nursing home b/c my aunt received a call monday night saying he was in pain and they were going to give him morphine. I went to visit him on Sunday and as I think now...it was a different sleep. Usually when I woke him up he'd get right up, this time he was really groggy...He'd open his eyes, but never really responded to me. So when we went back on tuesday night he was on oxygen and really irritated. He was acting the same way my grandmother had done in her final moments. I knew he wasn't gonna make it. We had prayer around him, and left thinking he'd be ok after the morphine. Not 2 hours after we got home, the phone rang....he had passed away.....In between that time my two cousins had called me about going to see him, I didn't say no but we hesitated...that hesitation haunted them. they were distraught, but for me it was a blessing. I sat with my grandmother as she turned cold and I couldn't take sitting thru another death. I cried, because death is hard. I rejoiced because he was finally at peace...with his wife who he had sorely missed...I can't cry right now....still in shock a bit.....but my grandparents are together again and that brings me joy....RIP Grandda....

What a difference a Day Makes

So I turned 30 last year and I went through that phase of am I gonna do what I want or live the conventional life..I've known since high school what my desire was however....March 7, 2011 was the day i put it in motion. No turning back....I had been playing Avery Sunshine's cd nonstop just listening to the lyrics and the music and it brought me to tears. The song Need You Now, in particular, is my theme song for life. I just kept listening and applying it to my life. Tears flowed...happy tears cause I finally got it..I wasn't gonna pussyfoot any longer. I'm inspired...she inspired me...that's what music does...I went home and pulled my keyboard out and started playing by ear and came up with a stupid melody, but the fact that I know nothing but which key is what and was able to make that much meant so much to me...Today I started looking for sketch writing courses...FOUND ONE...MUSIC AND COMEDY...MY LIFE...My life has really just begun and I owe it all to GOD and that damn Avery Sunshine cd.lol...I'm so high off life right now nobody can bring me down. *now to go dust off those papers of jokes I've written down over the years....

Knew it was coming

I knew it would happen..I said it at my grandmother's funeral..."keep my grandfather in your prayers"...if my grandmother's death would be hard on anyone, it would be him. She was all he knew and the only person that could put up with him. Its been about two years since she passed, and my grandfather had been doing good living on his own. In the past past year he started falling out of his wheelchair. he wasn't paralyzed, but previous circumstances confined him to that wheelchair. The episodes starting becoming too frequent and one day he went to the hospital and never returned to his home. He is a stubborn, bitter, mean old man, but he's my grandfather. Catch him on a good day and he's nice, but he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed alot. He is a man who thinks he knows more than the professionals, so when they attempted to help him he said no. Something basic as drawing blood, he said no. He didn't want no help, he just wants to go home. Not this time. He'd gotten a diagnosis during the one time he allowed the doctors to do his job. It was something that could be maintained with medicine, he said no. Don't give him nothing. No procedures, no new medicine...whatever was going on in his body, so be it. He was gonna live and not be assisted in doing so. Stubborn old man. Its been extremely difficult to visit him in the rehab/long term facility. He blames his children for putting him there, even though he can't take care of himself anymore. In his mind he believes he can. So when you visit him, you never know what you're gonna get. There are times you can say hi and he will railroad you with allegations. I'll never forget the one day I went and he cursed me out so bad. ME, the one that would do anything for him even though he gets on my last nerve. I told him i wasn't going to see him anymore and left. Me leaving is a common thing because he moods change fast. It hurt though. Because I know he's angry at being there I went back 3 weeks later, and he apologized. I said grandda I dont pay you no mind. He was truly relieved because he didnt mean it. One thing about him is he has his mind with alot of things, but sometimes his anger gets the best of him and he talks crazy.Today I visited him and my uncles happened to be there too. I could tell as soon as i walked in the room that the visit wasn't pleasant. i handed him the cell phone, stayed and listened as he talked crazy and then left. I got in my car and left. I can't stand to see him so bitter and angry because he's in the best place for him, though he doesnt agree. He says people tell him he's ok and there is no reason for him to be there, but these people don't know his story. He looks good on the outside, but he's just not able. He's told me many times, he wants to see his wife, and i know he does. he's just biding his time because he's tired. I dont want him to be miserable and clearly he is.